


Before It's Too Late

by Seungriseyo



Category: 2NE1, Big Bang (Band), YG Entertainment | YG Family
Genre: Accidents, Alcohol, Angst and Humor, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Drug Use, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-05 23:38:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 30,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4199433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seungriseyo/pseuds/Seungriseyo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jiyong Kwon was drowning in his own demons, just when he believed no one would be able to save him, someone does. However, it is someone that he least expects to care.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Silence.

   It was the same pattern every single day, in and out, around and back, up and down to end up like this each and every single time.

 

   It was a some kind of sick twisted pattern that one could only feel after the painstakingly long hours after everyone else has fallen asleep. Left to his own devices and thoughts that were crystal clear, clear enough to made him doubt, fear, and hate himself.  

 

   Despite the success he had, despite the joy and praise he had received, the only thing he ever felt just so happened to be pain. The pain that was enough to hurt someone deeply and make just about everyone question how in the world could they continue walking in their shoes, day in and day out.  

 

   A unbearable pain, yet recognizable to some, but not all.   

 

**Loneliness and self hate.**

 

  ****

   As long as Big Bang was successful, kept making these songs that brought their fans to tears, made them laugh, or even joy with how fascinating they were. His self hate and loneliness ate him up and swallowed him whole like it was nothing. There would be no way for him to come out of this perfectly fine and it was from oh so many blows that he had taken during his young life.  

 

  They had their flaws. Each member did, and their fair share of scandals. They were human, yes, everyone has flaws. Yet, Jiyong Kwon was a leader, he was BIGBANG’s leader, he had an obligation to show an example and pave their way to a bigger success. How would he be able to do this if all he ever did was constantly screw up? That is all he ever felt from the marijuana accident. He blamed himself often over the mistakes that his members went through or caused. He could not be there to help Daesung during the car accident, all he could do instead was try to talk to him, to try and make him feel better which seemed futile. He couldn't protect Seungri from his car accident and his scandal either, Seungri looked up to him, and he had failed him too. He was their leader. What kind of a leader isn’t able to save his own members from everything that a leader was supposed to do? How could he sit there and continue this false happiness that everything was okay, when it really was not? It began suffocating him really. All of this self blame made him feel like the worst human being on earth.  

 

   They couldn't see it though. How anxious he just so happened to be before performances, how many sleepless nights he spent writing songs that were too personal and ended up throwing away or shredding for they would not figure out, and definitely too painful to even put a beat behind.  

 

   Jiyong Kwon was drowning in his own self hate and no one noticed at all.  

 

   At least, that's what he thought most of the time. One person who happened to be completely aware and able to see just how bad he was hurting inside.  

 

   Seunghyun was always there. Watching him, nagging him, acting like what many people thought were mere hyung actions. Yet, he always seemed able to notice. He had always noticed. From song lyrics, to how Jiyong woke up in the morning, irritated, miserable, and as if the weight of the world  on his shoulders. He had always noticed. Although, he was cunning enough to not make it extremely obvious to anyone else. Call it whatever you may please, but he had a special place for Jiyong in his heart and it was the most ridiculous thing in the world. Yet, he cared too much about their leader and saw how empty his chocolate brown eyes were. Saw how drained he was when he thought no one was watching to care enough whether or not when he didn't have his walls up.  

 

   Jiyong Kwon was special, as much as he knew that deep down inside he did not agree to it. He was more than a leader, more than G-Dragon, he was a human being with emotions, demons, and flaws. Just like how everyone else had. He was as human as anyone was. It made him more human than people thought him to be due to him being YG’s prodigy, a self made individual. Although, he was absolutely more special than Seunghyun could ever admit.  

 

 

   In their dorm, which they now had their own separate rooms because they were all young men and needed their own personal space. Jiyong could hear the slight sounds of Taeyang and Seungri arguing over what seemed to be a show on tv, Daesung being pulled into the argument, and Seunghyun probably off in the shower or doing something absolutely ridiculous in his room right across from Jiyong’s. While he instead, opted to lay in his bed in his pajamas and pretend to still be asleep to trick the others. They had tried to enter his room and wake him up earlier on in the morning. Probably at around eight, he had no idea how they could be able to wake up so early sometimes. Mostly Seungri was trying to get in from what he could hear, just like he did a few years ago when they were younger, more innocent, but Jiyong knew better now. He now locked his door and allowed minimum entry unless it was Taeyang entering by himself.  

 

   To be quite honest, He was exhausted. Absolutely exhausted. He wished that he could sleep forever and wake up feeling joyous. Spending most of the night into late morning hours writing and watching pointless movies such as the Godfather three, it was a pretty much wasted night. He did not fall asleep until five to only wake at nine thirty four AM. Barely enough sleep for someone his age. Shifting in his spot under the blanket from which he often cocooned himself into, he turned to his right side where his phone laid on the nightstand. Slipping a hand from the blanket as he blindly reached for the phone and spending a few moments before feeling it and pulling it underneath the blanket. Using his free hand to rub at his eyes groggily as he hit the power button on his iPhone. It was around 10:30 am. Unfortunately for him, It was time to get up before someone would rudely bang on his door to do so once again. They had a free day, which meant doing whatever he wanted, till whenever he wanted. Thank god, he needed a free day more than possibly ever.  

 

 Rolling onto his side as he threw the blanket off of his slim figure to the end of the bed. Pulling himself up into a sitting position, then onto his feet. God, it was cold, he hated even more just how cold the floor was. Instantly regretting getting out of his warm blanket and bed for this. Rubbing his face tiredly as his feet padded across the floorboards and towards his closet, opening it to where he threw on a navy blue pullover to hide his black undershirt. Time to face everyone now or stay in his room for most of the day until someone bothered to disturb him. Shuffling to the door as he opened it as quietly as he possibly could and slipping out of the room officially. Step one was complete. Now to make it to the kitchen without being disturbed. That was going to be a much more difficult task.

 

  Hearing the ruckus from the living room where Seungri, Taeyang, and Daesung remained, he could guess that the voices were still arguing about the damn tv show. Could they really not argue for more than five seconds? Carefully and quietly making his way from the hallway of the rooms and into the direction of the living room. Taking a good few seconds to get there and when he finally did, all he could see was chaos. Taeyang having Seungri in a headlock and off of the couch where Daesung was instead changing the channel without them taking a second to even look. Standing there dumbfounded as he narrowed his eyebrows at the act unfolding in front of him.  

 

  "Why are you so annoying? Daesung wants to watch regular tv, not another day of Protect the family!" Taeyang's voice rang through the entire dorm with how loud he was, tightening the headlock while Seungri squirmed feverishly and tried to get out of the headlock, shaking his head and entire body to different directions to shake Taeyang off. "Daesung never said such a thing! You are just being mean, like always, it isn't my fault you wake up late and don’t get to pick! Beggars can’t be choosers, Tae--” Stopping completely when he heard the sound of the Masked Prosecutor’s theme song playing in the background. Taeyang instantly looking up and at the television before directing his eyes towards Daesung who merely shrugged with an amused grin on his face. “You were supposed to be on my side!”  

 

   He shouted, letting Seungri go within moments, who turned around to see Jiyong standing there watching them. Laughing as he quickly got onto his feet and racing over to where Jiyong stood and bringing him to the couch, not seemingly caring enough to see how tired he was. Forcibly dragging him to the couch to sit down besides him. Taeyang’s voice ringing off on the floor, “Look who's finally up. We thought you died in there.” Dragging his body closer to the side of the couch where Jiyong now sat.  

 

   Pulling the hood of the pullover over his head, he nodded slightly, “If only I could. I spent half of the night writing and throwing it away.” Shrugging his shoulders as he moved to lay his head down on Seungri’s shoulder. Thankfully he did not dare to move, with the way he was eyeing him, he could tell this was much needed. “Why don’t you go back to sleep then?” His cheery voice questioned as he shrugged his shoulders, “I want to do something other than sleep and write.” Daesung this time responds with, “You always do something other than sleep and write. Are you trying to say we’re boring?” Tilting his head to look at him with those small eyes of his. Great, now he could feel Seungri and Taeyang staring at him, thanks to his big mouth. “What I am trying to say is that I do the same thing everyday. I need something different to do. No offense, but being with you guys is hard enough when you just woke up to see how childish you all can be.”

 

   Instead of hearing backlash, all he heard was snickering from Taeyang instead, “That’s rich coming from the one who gets just as childish as we do.” Seungri then begin tapping his shoulder, to which he glanced up at him to only see a full smile, “Hyung, come on, you love us.” To which he responded with a groan and pulling his legs onto the couch instead of actually speaking. It seemed to be the answer Seungri was looking for as he laughed and nudged him slightly.  

 

   They slowly eased into a comfortable silence, all of them watching this terrible excuse of a drama that he did not possibly or would ever care for. Besides, everyone else knew that he loved historical dramas such as Jingbirok that played each weekend. Before he knew it the show was midway over, until Seunghyun showed up to break that silence and vision of the screen. Waltzing into the living room and standing in front of the television, his back turned to them. It was obvious he was teasing them, yet he looked as if he had just walked out of his room with plans of his own for the day.  

 

   “Oh come on, Hyung! Move out of the way, this is the best part!” Seungri whined as he moved his hand back and forth as if Seunghyun was even looking his way. Which was also disturbing Jiyong out of his half sleep, moving closer to Seungri while mumbling, “Stop moving so much.” “I can’t help it! He won’t move!” Seungri practically shouted, though Jiyong could tell he was smiling. They spent too much time together to not be able to tell that much.  

 

   Though, without warning Seunghyun had bounced into place besides Jiyong, causing him to groan in frustration. Why was everyone so keen on disturbing him when he was like this? What has he ever done to deserve such horrid members? Letting out a soft whine as he rolled his shoulders back, letting his bones pop back into place. Using his leg to try and shove Seunghyun away even if it was a tiny bit from his frame. “Come on, up, up, up, its five minutes from eleven forty. It is going to be noon soon, up and at it.” He badgered, shaking him ruthless to come back to the world of the awoken. A world that he disliked more than possibly anything else. Squirming to barely any avail and thanks to Seungri not helping, he found himself sitting up straight and pulling his hood down. His mess of his usual well kept black hair flopping onto one side of his head more than the other. Bringing his left hand up to ruffle through his messy locks that practically stuck out in every opposite direction in attempt to straighten it out and look somewhat presentable. Though, glanced around there was no Taeyang and Daesung anywhere in view. Blinking his eyes slowly before letting out a small yawn as he covered his mouth with the back of his hand. "Ni, where did Youngbae and Dae go?" His voice was soft and laced with sleep that he much needed. "Oh, they left a while ago to go to lunch at the new sushi place downtown. Mentioned how it was going to be crowded." Seungri responded easily, shifting in his spot as he turned to face his Hyungs respectively. Jiyong only nodded his head before peering over at Seunghyun who had momentarily got sucked into the last few minutes of the drama.  

 

   Pausing for a split second before grabbing one of the cushions off of the couch and instead smacking it into Seunghyun's torso. It was revenge for disturbing his beauty sleep that he oh so very much needed. Seunghyun flinching as he quickly grabbed the pillow and yanked it from Jiyong's slender fingers. "Oi, it was late. You needed to get up. I was just looking out for you." Hitting him in turn with the pillow to which Jiyong hissed and covered his face with his arms as a shield, "Ri, a little help here?" He managed outloud, only to hear Seungri respond with, "I would, but no can do. I agree, it was time for you to get up. You were crushing me." Fantastic, now he really had to face reality. Goddamit. Hell even his maknae betrayed him in his time of need. "I will remember this the next time you call me in a variety show." Grumbling as he let his legs off of the couch and back down to the cold wooden floor. Seungri could only smile as he shook his head, moving out of his seat on the couch as he stretched, letting his bones pop back into place, Jiyong sulking as he no longer had the warm body next to him. Yet, deciding it was true enough, he did need to get up and be productive today. No lingering their dorm and writing, or at least attempting to write any songs. He needed to get in gear and go do something before he went possibly insane.  

 

   “Fine, come on. We’ll go to lunch or something to get us out of here. If Youngbae and Daesung come back before we leave, we all go together. If not, leave a note saying we went out.” Shrugging his shoulders as he was the next to finally move from his spot that he was glued to. Ah, how he would miss the warmth and comfort of his spot and have to get up and actually do stuff for the day. He was mostly directing this to Seunghyun rather than Seungri, he was sort of less responsible and the last time that he told him to do that, it ended up with a loud argument between the five of them. Only for Jiyong to remember that he left no trace of a note or text at all. Seunghyun who quirked a brow in his direction, as if silently agreeing with minor question as to why he had to do it while Seungri practically ran off to go and get ready.  

 

   Turning his head to watch as he did so before he leaned in close to his Hyung’s figure, and mostly in his personal bubble. There was no trace of hesitation in Jiyong’s actions as Seunghyun merely watched him with mild amusement. It was easy to tell when Seunghyun had a half smirk tugging on one side of his face. Parting his lips as he spoke quietly, “I chose you because maknae will forget and end up having us all argue again like last time. Remember?” Leaning out and standing up straight once again as he moved his arms over his head and stretched, yet within moments he felt Seunghyun by his side, more or less watching him. It made Jiyong feel a bit wary, but he was in no rush of getting out of his position until his arms dropped down by his sides and turned to walk. Right when he was about to, Seunghyun had stopped him, grabbing hold of the sleeve of his pullover, directly looking him in the eyes, as if he was searching for something deep and meaningful. It startled the younger male as he nervously broke their gaze by staring at the floor. “. . .You need to sleep more. You have darker bags under your eyes. What did you spend all night doing? One minute I heard you scribbling away furiously in your notepad, and the next I heard muffled sounds.” The gaze on him felt too intense for comfort. How in the world could he be able to hear all of that? He was not being that loud, was he? He was sure that no one could have heard him. Biting the inside of his cheek as he shook his head slowly. “I was writing and nothing good came out of it, so I dumped it and spent the night watching movies, simple. I let time get away from me. Nothing out of the ordinary.” Moving to tug his sleeve from the other’s grip, succeeding and turning his head upwards to look at him. “Just a bit overwhelmed. Don’t worry about it.” Letting the words roll off of his tongue with utter ease. It was ridiculous how easy he was able to deceive others into believing everything that he said.  

 

   The look on the other’s face, said otherwise. Which was rare for anyone to even doubt what he was saying was utter bullshit. Licking his lips as he nodded his head slowly, almost unsurely. Pulling his hand to be tucked into the back pocket of his dark grey jeans. “Right, okay. I’ll write the note then. Go get ready, me and Seungri will wait out here. Take your time.” Taking a few steps past him and settling back down on the couch, taking the remote into his hand as he began to flip through the channels. God, he was so glad that whatever the hell that was, ended quickly. Moving out of the living area rather quickly as he walked to his room, opening the door and closing it behind himself. Pressing his back against the wood as he inhaled deeply, closing his eyes as the back of his head touched it as well. Stupid, stupid, stupid! What the ever loving fuck what that back there? Why did it look like Seunghyun was staring right into his soul for something to pull out? Why was he so wary on how he spoke or looked? It was usually Youngbae that looked at him in concern on good days that he would catch him. Not any of this from their mostly silent, yet spontaneous Hyung. Focus. Deep inhale, slow exhale. It was going to be okay. It was settled, he needed to go and get ready now. Placing his palms against the door as he took a few steps forward, get ready for the long day. Just focus on that. He continued to recite to himself in his head, moving to pull the pullover from his head and toss it into his bed as he made his way to grab his things to head into the hallway and into the shared bathroom as soon as he possibly could. This was going to be a long day for sure.  

 

  Within a good forty minutes later, Jiyong emerged from his room and fully dressed for the day. Black Doc Martens, black ripped skinny jeans, and a muscle tee with Skeletons island written across it. Makeup was placed onto his face as if to try and hide the dark bags under his eyes and make him look more alive rather than too tired for words. Concealer, eyeliner, and foundation were his best friends during times like this. His hair was perfectly swept out of his face to reveal his perfect undercut. His arm tattoos were able to be seen clearly and he did not give one less of a fuck that they did. They were reminders of everything that he has been through and everything that he has overcome within these past ten years. His tattoos were part of him just like every single trait that he had and they were just as important as his passion for music. 

 

   Heading out of his dorm room and into the living room area once more as Seungri sat on the floor while Seunghyun was plastered to one side, watching some foreign film with korean subtitles. Clearing his throat as he saw just how far away the elder of the three reacted, sitting up instantly and quickly turning the television off. Seungri who whined only followed his lead moments later. Seungri was dressed in one of his blue and white varsity jackets with multiple patches on it with a white t-shirt, light blue jeans and black converse.“The note is right on the fridge.” Seunghyun’s deep voice nearly echoed in his head as he nodded his head. He was dressed in his blue and white plaid shirts with the sleeves rolled up midway, his dark grey jeans, and dark brown boots. “Good, good. I will be paying, so no ifs, ands, or buts. You guys deserve it. Just pick a spot within the next couple minutes if you haven’t thought of something while I was fixing myself.” Glancing at the time from where the time was located beneath the television's screen. Whilst the two’s faces went from completely frazzled to utterly surprised and finally to amused as their eyes seemed to have quickly met at the perfect time. Seungri was the one who actually spoke first, “Oh! Oh! Ji-hyung, there’s this new barbecue place that is a bit more uptown in Seoul, can we go, please?” And as if that was not enough, he went as far as to go and use his signature pout that usually worked. Just as it did at this moment. Bringing his fingers to his temple as he rubbed it as he almost said no, but he ended up sighing aloud, “Fine, fine, come on. We can go, I’m going to take a guess I’m going to be the one to get us there, aren’t I?” Shifting his weight onto his left leg as he crossed his arms over his chest, quirking a brow at both of his members. Suddenly Seungri got onto his feet, stumbling for a second as he almost tumbled over his own two feet to stand up straight, “We can walk there, it isn’t too far from here. We should be there within a good fifteen minutes. Plus, it is a nice day outside so it might help in waking you up a bit more.” Seunghyun who nodded, “Agreed, you woke up late, you have to walk with us.” Sighing as he rubbed his face with his hands lightly, “Fine. Come on.” Turning around and moving to make his way over to front door of the dorm, hearing the footsteps follow him from behind before siding off to place his light blue jean jacket over himself. Seunghyun going to his room quickly to grab his dark green jackets. Opening the door and allowing the other two to exit first before himself as he shut the door once he was no longer inside and locked the door, placing the keys back into his pocket before they officially headed out.  

 

   He hated to admit it, but they were right, it was a completely nice day outside. It was not as cold as it was this morning, but definitely still in the more breezy atmosphere. They were all careful that they would not go into the more busier streets unless they absolutely had to in order to reach the restaurant. With Seungri making jokes the entire time as they walked and actually managing to lift Jiyong’s spirits up from his utter misery of being forced out of the dorms. It took a good half hour to reach their destination before Seunghyun had become the one to open the door for all three of them to enter. Thankfully it was not crowded, nor too empty. Just the right amount of people inside.  Once they were inside they walked up to the hostess whom was surprised and delighted to see three members of Big Bang out and about. Once she had quickly gotten over her surprise she managed to snag a table for three for them as soon as one opened and were quickly seated towards the back. Jiyong sat at left side of the table, Seungri was seated at his right and Seunghyun was in the middle seat. All of their jackets were hung behind their chairs and the grill was big enough that they would not have to fight over who went first. Their dishes of green onions, lettuce, cucumbers, and peppers were scattered around amongst the three of them. Once they had their meats on the grill and took care of flipping them over, the conversation really seemed to have taken off. Seungri began to talk about his phone conversation about his sister, Lee Hana and how she was doing in school. Jiyong noted this down in his head because when they lived together, he would usually be on the phone with her for hours at a time. Seunghyun was listening and attentive, even though he only hummed and nodded his head occasionally.  

 

  After a good five minutes passed and Seungri had left to answer a phone call, he mentioned something about a producer calling him or something, hell if he was able to remember from how fast it happened.  

 

   It left both Seunghyun and Jiyong alone together for the second time in the day. He merely tried to build up a conversation to not allow it to become too awkward between the two of them. “Do you have anything planned tomorrow? I know you have an interview coming up, but is your day going to be booked completely?” Raising a brow as he used his chopsticks to nibble on the piece of meat between them. Seunghyun nodded his head as he finished taking a sip of his water, “Yeah, I have that to do, a photoshoot later on and then possibly dinner with Jaejoong hyung, Joong hyung. Nothing too special.” “Ah, I hope you have fun tomorrow then after all of that work.” He nearly mumbled until he spoke up louder. Moving his chopsticks around to go and pick up a cucumber from the bowl next to him to munch on. Seunghyun throwing the question right back at him in curiosity as he moved his chopsticks to pick up one of the beef pieces on the grill and onto his plate instead. “What about you? What do you have planned out for tomorrow?” Which lead Jiyong to respond by sighing loudly as he tilted his head back, placing his chopsticks down into his half finished bowl. “Long. I have to be the studio tomorrow with Teddy, go over any songs that have been written, review, discuss. Four songs, that is going to take up so much time and might drive me to the brink of insanity. Then I have to get ready for this huge get together for Dara’s surprise birthday party. Blame Chaerin, she dragged me into this when she knows I have a thousand other things to take care of.” Shaking his head and heaving a sigh as he tilted his head back down normally. Only to Seunghyun staring him with a smug look on his face, “Well, why didn’t you say that then? Seems to me like you wanted to go since you did not put up much of a fight against her.” Rolling his eyes as he shifted in his seat. Okay, maybe he was right. A party like that did not seem like a bad idea at all. In fact, it would help relieve him of all the crappy emotions and moods he has been in lately and hell, maybe he would even have fun being around them. Although, he was definitely not about to say that out loud in the single least, so instead he groaned, pointing his chopsticks at him, “No, I would have never won against her, she started to call me Oppa and I could not reject her at all. She has that devilish charm about her that makes me feel bad if I do not agree.” Though the look did not falter on Seunghyun’s face, “Whatever you say, Ji, whatever you say. Just do not get wasted out of your mind or do anything stupid that may regret.” Shrugging as he went back to focusing on his food.  

 

   Asshole, just what was the supposed to mean? He could take care of himself, he did not need anyone to tell him how to act and how to handle himself. He was perfectly capable of making sure that nothing of that sort would ever happen again. Not after last time, there was no way in hell that he was going to let this ruin his life for a third time. He refused it. Mumbling ‘fuck you’ under his breath as he glanced back at the food in front of him. Great, now he did not even feel like eating anymore. Too caught up in what Seunghyun stated to even want to go back to eating. Glancing at his phone on the corner of the table before picking it up and taking it into his hands as he swiped the screen and entered his four digit passcode before being taken to all of his apps. Letting his eyes scan over the text messages that he missed. All from Youngbae, he would seriously throw the sauce at Seunghyun if it had anything to do with missing the note or it falling off and underneath the fridge. Tapping on it with his index finger as it lead him into the conversation of the two. Youngbae merely asking him if he had seen his red leather jacket, why no one was answering their phones, informing him that the top lock was never locked and one picture of Daesung sleeping with minor doodles on his face. Ah, friendship. Replying to the text messages with a simple, ‘Look on the fridge. That is why no one is replying.’ Hitting the send button as Seungri came walking back over to the table sitting back down as he quickly dove into what was said on the phone. “I am to co-host MNET tomorrow, yes! Finally, it feels like it has been forever since I’ve been there, it is so much fun getting to mess with everyone younger than you there.” A bright smile was on his face that made him glow. “Congrats, maknae, just do not anything that could embarrass any of us.” He warned, as Seungri nodded his head, “I know, I know!”  

 

   As the two dove into a debate on whether or not that Seungri meant what he had agreed to, Seunghyun watched them bicker calmly. Dark brown eyes glancing at both of their faces back and forth. He kept his eyes trained on Jiyong’s face. His features were slowly growing sharper by each passing day. His cheekbones were starting to poke out a bit more, his eyes slightly more puffy than they usually were and how tired even his voice sounded. He loathed this and it was making his stomach upset at how he was able to see just how badly everything seemed to be affecting Jiyong. He was offended by his words earlier. By the way his body faced Seungri more than towards him, how he would often send glances at him whenever he thought the Seunghyun could not care less or as if he was blind. Running a spare hand through his short hair as he finished his meal, Jiyong was stubborn as a bull. He hated just how never seemed to ask for help when he knew that he needed it. Or that he always waited too late to talk to him about his feelings, and just how he beat himself up a lot due to the mistakes they all made, even if it had nothing to do with him. It was pure torture to see him like this. It was moments like these that Seunghyun wished he had the courage to get up from his seat and drag Jiyong outside and yell at him, beg him to let him inside those walls that he kept up if only to help him and not hurt him. But, things do not work like that, and there was no way in hell that Seunghyun would embarrass him like that, no matter what. He would silently wait for Jiyong to come to him no matter how too late it was to do so. He would always be there.  

 

   Noting that he was staring a lot more than he should have been, he tore his gaze away and flickered to the waitress who helped serve them. Moving to pick his hand up as she turned around as to beckon her over to signal that they were done. Nodding his head as her as she smiled and silently understood. Turning his attention back to the Tom and Jerry of their group, who were still arguing, go figure. Clearing his throat as he saw both of them turn to look in his direction, “The waitress is coming over to give the bill and clean up.” Jiyong nodded his head as he moved to take his wallet out as he saw the waitress coming over with one of the giant black racks to put the bowls, plates and utensils on. Passing the bill to Jiyong as she stood there giddly putting everything away with the help of Seungri and Seunghyun himself. Jiyong placing the money into the small booklet and motioning for the waitress to come over and passing her tip to her. All of three of them standing up and placing their jackets on while moving to the door, and quickly exiting.  

 

   “That was a good, wasn’t it? I think that the best barbeque we’ve had in a while, right guys?” Seungri chirped while looking at both of his hyungs from where he stood between the two of them. Eager to hear what they thought of the food, and as usual in one of his good moods. “It was. Maybe we should go here more often and leave Youngbae and Daesung alone together, ni?” Jiyong questioned as he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand as they walked the slightly more empty streets of uptown Seoul. Only to hear Seungri’s laughter, “Yeah! Yeah!”  

 

   Seunghyun was quietly walking a few steps behind them. By now it was three in the afternoon and he knew that he needed to drag this time outside a bit longer, if only for Jiyong’s sanity. Where would he drag them off to just for a while? Think Seunghyun, think and think fast. Turning his head quickly to glance at what surrounded them. Clothing stores, beauty stores, more shops and restaurants. Nothing here was going to work, he needed to sidetrack them somehow. Suddenly speaking up, “Hey, its still early, they wouldn’t mind if we strayed a while longer, how about we go do something?” He suggested, hoping to god that this would work. Hell, within the next few seconds he felt his arm being held onto and him dragged into the direction of a clothing store. Being taken by none other than Jiyong himself. Of course the fashionista of their group would do this to him. Seungri quickly running behind them to catch up. Now he was going to become a guinea pig of clothes, just what did he get himself into? Jiyong replied quickly, “They wouldn’t. Besides, you need something more than plaid shirts and jeans. It is driving me crazy.”

 

   Thus began their adventure to three clothing stores and Jiyong forcing his hyung to try on multiple different outfits. Buying certain ones and even forcing Seungri into clothes as well. If there was one thing that Jiyong did right, it was fashion. In fashion he held no limits as to what could and what could not be worn. It was almost like his second passion in a way. To dress yourself according to your style is something that also made you the person that you are. Unlike tattoos, clothes were things that constantly changed just as styles and trends do. Each person has a style and eventually their style changes, thus proving so does the person. It was something that he adored the most, small things like this that made his days feel better and his dark thoughts drift away.  

 

   Currently, he was sitting there on one of the benches outside of the men's changing room for both Seungri and Seunghyun to come back from the outfits he put together for them. Complicated as usual. Checking his phone and scrolling down as he waited patiently. Suddenly, the only thing that came into his head was just how Seunghyun had been looking at him today, as if he was soul searching or something and it bothered him. It made him feel as if he was not his group member, but one of those tv personals, or interviewers who were looking for something to throw at him, to catch him off guard and make those walls he put so high to protect himself. It was his security that made sure that no one would ever be able to see just how badly he was shaken by things like this. A million questions came racing through his head at once; Was he looking for a flaw? Did he see how bad of a leader he was? Did he look like he was going to do something he would regret at the party, should he even go to the party? What the hell did he mean by that? He doubted him, just like everyone else did during the scandal. No, worse, he did not want him as a leader. He was deemed unfit of one thanks to how he was looking through him and not at him. Was he that awful of a person that he doubted his own member so greatly? Did Seungri think that too? Wait, did everyone else in the group think that? He knew he fucked up, he did not mean to do this, it was a mistake, just a mistake. Was everyone starting to doubt him for that one mistake a few years ago?  

 

   Suddenly everything felt as if it was too much, the entire room was spinning and his hands were shaking with his phone in his hand, moving to his hands down and putting his head between both of his hands as he nearly curled in on himself. Squeezing his eyes shut as if to make the spinning stop. Fuck, he needed to calm down. He was in public, he felt as if he was going to panic. Inhaling deeply as he rubbed his temple as he exhaled quietly. Fuck. He was freaking out and this was not the place to do so.  

 

   Feeling a sudden hand on his shoulder before he nearly jumped out of his skin, looking up to find Seunghyun hovering over him, worry obvious in his eyes, kneeling down to be at his eye level. Placing his other hand on his shoulder as he rubbed smooth circles into his shoulder blades, mostly in attempt to calm him down and out of whatever state he was in. “Hey, hey… what’s going on? You look really pale.” Staring at him with wide eyes as he quickly blinked his eyes, only to come to realization that he was nearly on the verge of tears. Bringing his fingers to his eyes as he wipes his tears away, he was losing it. He was really losing it and he needed together himself put together again. Inhaling deeply momentarily before he nodded his head slowly. Though, Seunghyun shook his head, “No, you’re not. You look like you’re ready to burst into tears. Come on, tell me what’s wrong, Ji.” Shaking his head, moving to get out of his touch, not in the mood to even be touched right now. Running a hand through his hair as he messed it up a bit. He wanted to cry even more right now, his walls felt as if they were falling apart and Seunghyun was there hold the pieces together a tiny bit. Parting his lips as he moved to stand on his feet. Stuffing his hands into pockets as he shifted slightly. "Yeah. I'm fine. I'm just gonna... go outside and walk around a bit. I might go home. Depends, don’t wait up for me. Just call me if anything." Quickly moving to start to make his way to the other side of the store as fast as he possibly could.  

 

   He heard Seungri's voice in the background, but he just needed to get out of there. Nearly yanking the door open and he ran out of there. Letting himself go down the street and turning the corner to one of the near empty streets. Slowing down to a jog as he looked for one of the streets that he was familiar with until reaching the end of the one he was running along. Panting as he came to a stop, digging inside of his jeans pockets and pulling out his lighter while his other hand reached for his pack of cigarettes. Opening the pack and tapping the bottom of it so one would come out before placing it between his lips, flicking the lighter open as he lit his cigarette. Taking a long drag before putting his lighter away into the back pocket again and taking it from his lips and holding it between his middle and index finger. Exhaling the smoke while he leaned against the light pole. Thank god for these, it always worked to assist in calming his nerves whenever he was like this. Closing his eyes momentarily as he tried to push his thoughts to the back of his mind.  

 

   Fuck, he had let him slip right out of his fingers. The one time he was given an opportunity to help him, to confront him instead of having to wait there like a goddamn idiot, he spoiled it. He could have grabbed him, make him stay, tell him and tell him that things were fine and he had nothing to worry about. What kind of a hyung was he if he could not for the love of him comfort Jiyong? Sure, he was able to help the others, but never Jiyong. He was absolutely hopeless. He fucking ruined it and he did not know if he was more upset at himself right now, or if he was upset that Jiyong up and ran as fast as his legs could to get him out of what he saw as danger and letting people get too close. Having to control himself as he stood up properly, placing his hands onto his hips as Seungri made it by his side, staring in confusion as to what in the world had just happened. Daring to speak up, “Hyung… where did Ji-Hyung run off to? He looked like he was in a hurry. Did he get called the YG studio or something?” Tilting his head to the side, one eyebrow quirked, “. . .Or did something happen between the two of you? One second he was sitting here and the next you were kneeling in front of him.” Fuck, Seungri was able to put the puzzle together fairly quickly. He was sharp, he would give him that at least. “Yeah. . .” Though, he was sure that he sounded beyond confused, almost as if he was not even there. “He just needed to take care of something. Don’t worry about it. Let’s go put this stuff back, okay?” Peering down at the maknae who hummed in response, moving back to the dressing room. Seunghyun took a few steps forward, though turning to look over his shoulder, he was gone. He missed his chance. God, he was so stupid. Moving to head into the dressing room as well to get out of these stupid clothes and into his comfortable ones.  

 

   The next chance he got, he was going to confront him about this and hopefully it would not blow up in his face. Entering the dressing room and closing the door behind himself.  

 

   He would be okay, everything will go back to normal and if anyone asked, he would respond with that he merely needed some space as soon as possible. No biggie, it was a simple solution, nothing overly complicated. Keeping his emotions in tack just so happened to be one of his talents. Pressing the cigarette back between his lips for a few minutes longer before flicking it to the ground once it came to the bud, stomping it out with his boot. He felt calmer now, more relaxed with the toxins in his system. Why was he so nervous in the first place? Of course he knew why, but he was trying to convince himself otherwise. Slapping his hand against the pole as he backed away from it. Hissing quietly at the dull pain before spinning on his heel to walk into any direction other than back to the stores and to the dorm. Opting to merely wander around Seoul for a while, it was the best he could do. He was in no mood to even be around anyone or human interaction.  

 

   Venturing off to walk around and loathing the idea he left the dorms without his damn sunglasses to try and hide his face which was futile. Pressing his lips together as hours quickly passed on from the various locations he had wandered off to. Only taking out his phone to check the time as it seemed to be dragging on and on the more he walked. It was only when it was around eight that he decided to head on back. Walking in the darkened streets with his hands in his pockets the entire way before finding himself at the doorstep of their dorm. Back to square one. No way that this would be avoidable. His mind had brought him back to this location and he now had to face the music of his actions.There was ruckus alright, Taeyang’s voice easily bouncing off the walls while Seunghyun calmly spoke back. Figures that Youngbae would act like this if he had ran off, probably thinking the worse would have happened to him. He nearly contemplated going to head to a bar and getting wasted for the night, but that never ended well so he decided to not do that. Removing the keys from his back pocket and slowly inserting the key into the doors keyhole and carefully twisting the doorknob.  

 

   Opening the door with ease as the voices grew louder, nearly whining at how loud Youngbae was being as he shut the door behind himself. Huge mistake because within seconds he was heading right towards him, as if he was a parent of a rebel child, ready to scold him to get the necessary answers out of him. “Why the hell were you not replying to your text messages and our phone calls? Can you please explain what the heck happened out there today? You ran off without so much as a clue! Ji, are you mental or something?” It was like his mouth was spewing all of these questions without him even taking a breath. Judging by the light pink hue that dusted his cheeks, he knew this was bad. Of course he was aware that Youngbae was concerned, but Jiyong just could not help himself with rolling his eyes at how his best friends was questioning him. Placing his hands onto his friend’s shoulders, “Bae, chill. I needed air, I felt like I was suffocating in there. Don’t sweat it. I’m here, I’m alive, relax.” Quickly moving his hands from his shoulders before he sighed quietly, “I’m going to my room now. You can come in if you want later. I’m tired.” Side stepping and sliding right past him and nearly bumping their shoulders together. Walking down the hallway of the door and into the direction of his dorm room, spotting Seunghyun standing in front of his own, arms crossed over his chest as if he was going to say something similar to what Youngbae said. “Don’t.” He warned, voice turning icy and stripped of the warmth it had while talking to his best friend. Placing his hand onto the doorknob, turning it, then slipping inside of his room while turning around and locking it.

   Seunghyun stood there, unfazed before rubbing his face. What could he possibly do now? He was locked away into his room and he knew damn well there was going to be no way for him to get inside. Jiyong was too prideful to ask for help during times like these and all he wanted to do was to merely be there for him as he has always been. It amazed him how easily he shut off the world outside from his dorm or the studio to write his songs for them, himself, or 2ne1. There was nothing he could do right now other than stand there. It sucked. He wanted to just help and to not be kept in the dark as to how he felt. He wanted to be there, but Jiyong would not let him and he would not let his heart do the actions that he desperately wanted to do oh so badly. Moving to the living room area where Taeyang stood quietly in the center, Daesung nervously glancing in the direction of their leaders dorm room while Seungri looked to be in a different world. It was useless to try and get through to him right now, he insisted he was okay. All he knew that they could do was to believe it. While everyone else just so happened to be easily fooled, Seunghyun was not, and he never would be. Not when he could see how hurt he seemed. He was going to try to find a way to help.  

 

   “What are we going to do?” Asked Daesung from his spot on the couch, running a hand through his dark hair as he moved to sit up rather than to be half laying down. Taeyang glancing over in Seunghyun’s direction, then back at his best friend’s door. Clear evidence that he was feeling lost. “I don’t know…” He mumbled quietly, taking a seat on the couch beside Daesung, while Seunghyun kept his hands on his hips. He was the oldest, he had to make some sort of decision right now. They were all lost when it came down to moments like these, but he had to try. “..We wait for a while, then knock. If he doesn’t answer, leave him be until the morning. We have a long day ahead of us, so no one goes to bed late.” The younger three agreed, evident that they were still wary.  

 

   Seunghyun was going to make sure that he found someway to help Jiyong get out of his fears and doubt. He would do anything to make sure that Jiyong could be happy and without a care in the world to other’s criticism. That was his goal now and it was going to be engraved in his mind up until the moment that his dream becomes a reality. Sending one final glance at the door before deciding to settle down with the others in the living area.  

 

   Youngbae was going to have to bribe or even beg him if he wanted to enter his room because this why he was tearing up. Back once more pressed against the door as he slid down against it, nearly slamming his fist into it. Hot tears threatening to spill down his cheeks, shaking his head, a sharp inhale, it was okay. It was alright.  

 

   Except things were not alright, and they felt like it was never going to be okay and he was not going to be either of those things due to the thoughts running through his head. How much more could he possibly take? Fuck, he despised crying, it was something he tried so hard to not do, yet here he was in his dark room with his back against the door ready to cry like a wimp. Coward, horrible, useless. Emotions were pointless and he wished he was cruel sometimes. Placing his hands onto the floor before pushing himself into a squatting position and then fully sprung onto his feet again. Taking his jacket off violently and onto the bed where his pullover from this morning laid messily. Biting his lower lip then covering his ears to try and get rid of the voices echoing in his head.  

 

_Worthless, know it all, crybaby, attention seeker. What kind of a leader are you? You can’t even let your own members comfort you because you are a coward. Why do they put up with you anyway? It would be better off if you were anything other than a leader. How can you possibly be a leader if all you do is screw up, hmm?_

 

   Write. Do something to get rid of these pent up emotions, but stay quiet enough so that no one else in the dorm would be able to hear him. No one can know about this, no one should care about this enough to help. This was all on him and he was the only one who would be able to make this situation better for himself. Get to your desk, do something other than stand here and act as if everything is okay. Forcing himself to focus on what he was saying in his head as his arms slowly dropped back down to his sides. Letting his lower lip go and feeling how much it hurt from biting it so hard. It was a miracle that he did not end up busting it the day before Dara’s birthday party.  

 

   Shuffling from the door and over to his desk at the back of the room as he dragged the chair back then flopping into it. His desk was messy, cluttered with too many notebooks of song lyrics, pictures of his family and friends. There were about a dozen uncapped pens scattered among it and pencils. Picking up one of the notes from the pile as he weighed it in his hands, nearly hesitating. Opening the notebook as he began flipping the pages to find spare blank pages to pick up his pen and write. Once he did, he picked up one of the spare pens into his right hand, toying with it for a second or two. Within minutes he was writing all of his emotions out and onto the paper, letting the words take over.

 

   Jiyong began writing as many things that came to his head in verses, choruses, raps, anything that could rid him of these frustrations. If only to be forget about the entire day that quickly went sour.  

 

   It took a while for him to hear the knocking on his door to where he heard Youngbae and Seungri voices. Glancing at the clock on his desk as he read it happened to be half an hour past ten. Too bad, nothing was going to get him out of his room, or to even open the door. He wanted to desperately be left alone right now. Yet, the knocking continued until he heard Seungri’s voice outside, “He probably fell asleep or something. He was really tired today.” With this, the knocking ceased and it was once more quiet, the quiet flow that he needed at the moment in order to continue his streak.

 

   Drawing his attention back to what he was doing for a long while, until even his eyes felt like they were going to shut at any second. Sleep, the thing he remembered that he was deprived from for what felt like months now when in reality it was only a few days. Forcing his head up to glance at the time. Five minutes until it was three in the morning. Groggily moving his fingers to the end of the pages to flip them back and forth to see his progress. Ten pages, four songs written and half of one nearing its finished product. Teddy was going to be ecstatic about this. He usually was because songs like these are what he craved for the most. It was extra special because he had been the one to write things that not many people did or experienced in their lives.  His lyrics were the same to the things he had wrote about before, pain and wanting to be alone sometimes.  

 

   Forcing himself up and out of his chair, stepping almost drunkenly to his bed and falling on top of the covers. Groaning lowly then turning to lay on his side, staring outside of the window in his room that only revealed the darkness of the outside world. Shutting his eyes, not caring if his eyeliner would be all over his bedsheets by morning. Caring only enough to get some sort of sleep and revisit the land where he could get away from his problems and demons, at least for a little while. In a couple of hours, he would need to be awake to handle the next day, but right now he needed sleep. Quickly drifting off and away from his misery of this day in hopes that tomorrow would be nothing like this.  

 

  In the morning, things would be okay, as if today did not happen and he could pretend like everything was peachy keen. Tomorrow, he would wake up and temporarily be Jiyong Kwon, for most of the day tomorrow he would be G-Dragon. South Korea’s most known K-pop idol, richest person in South Korea, party animal, and musical genius, G-Dragon. Sometimes he wished that he was only G-Dragon and not Jiyong Kwon. G-Dragon did not care about what other people thought. Jiyong Kwon did. He lived two different lifestyles and he loathed it completely. At least G-Dragon could fulfill his role as a leader much more than Jiyong Kwon could ever possibly could.   


	2. Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ji… you aren’t a bad leader. We all make our mistakes and there is nothing that you can do about it. All we can do is learn from it. We’ll always be here to support you, you know that, right?” Slightly leaning back in his spot to get a glimpse of Jiyong’s face. Only to find it tear stained, red, puffy and his eyes shut. Displaying that he must have fallen asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that I took so long to update forgive me i wrote this ten times and I still don't like this one either ugh. I am also in search for a Beta reader. As I feel like I suck at writing, particularly this chapter. Please be sure to leave comments so I can know your thoughts and feelings. It will help me grow as a writer. 
> 
> Expect the next chapter soon, promise.

**Chapter 2**

 

     The blistering high pitched shrilling noise echoed in the air, bounced off the walls all while breaking the once beautiful silence that he loved so much.

 

     It was morning again, another day and a fresh new start. Maybe not too fresh nor new, but he sure could try to believe that. Hopefully today will not be surrounded by anything and close to painful unlike the day before. It was almost unbearable to remember the pain he was in the day previously. Not to mention all of the drama he endured Being barely conscious and recalling it annoyed him to almost forcing himself back into sleep.

 

     While it was extremely difficult to wake up from his comfortable position on the bed, even if he was on top of the blankets, rather than being under them, he moved his hand to his desk, hitting the snooze button on his phone. That sound was enough to drive anyone insane. Groaning quietly before turning his face from facing the window and into the pillow, exhaling. Remaining in this position up until he was unable to properly breath. Planting his hands beside where his shoulders were located then slowly lifting himself up and into a sitting position. Eyes remaining shut and feeling as tired as always. Bringing both of his hands to his face to rub the sleep from them. Taking a good minute to do this before he came back to his senses. Wishing so desperately to once again be fast asleep and under the blankets, Tom and Laura, but remembering he had a full day ahead of himself. Ugh, if Seungri still slept beside him he was positive that he would be able to sleep much better. Seungri did often toss and turn in bed though, so that was out of the question. Finally, he opened his dark brown eyes, glancing around the whirlwind of a mess of his room. Fuck, he really needed to take care of this. Picking up anything which was out of place, god if things were a mess it bothered him deeply, curse his perfectionist ways. Deciding that his last move was not a smart one, cleaning up was essential to him right now.

 

 

     Taking the pullover and his jacket from the bed tossing them into the chair at his desk and shifting while semi struggling onto his feet and padding over to his closet. Walking almost drunkenly to it, sliding the door open and hanging both of the items onto their respective hangers. Rubbing at his temple as he quickly took heed to setting his room back into place from the mess. All pens returning to their mug holders, notebooks were then stacked neatly and he got to the point of cleaning where even his shoes were aligned neatly by the closet door.

 

    Standing by the door as he quietly observed and nodding to himself in agreement to how well it looked once again. Enjoying how this was also a way to distress himself from his thoughts. Which did not last long at all, a loud knocking, could he even call it knocking?! Banging was much more like it.

 

     Sucking his teeth, though deciding to have a little bit of fun with whoever attempted to awaken him from slumber. Standing directly behind the door, keeping his hand wrapped around the handle only for the banging to grow in volume. He singled out every member who would try to do this. Youngbae was out of the question, he had a spare key to his room that he practically forced him to keeping for himself and only allowed his entry. He would not even bother doing this. He would instead call him on his phone with the alarmingly annoying song he used as his ringtone to wake him up. That left Daesung, Seungri and Seunghyun as his three culprits. Seungri seemed the most likely since he started this when they were younger. Seunghyun was never awake around the same time as Jiyong so he was really at a loss for who could be banging savagely on his door. Slowly unlocking the door and yanking the door open before stepping behind it swiftly, hearing a muffled cry he couldn’t help snorting. Stepping from behind the door then glancing down at his victim who turned out being Seungri. He was right. The maknae would never learn, would he? Hearing the small whine from him as he shifted until he was onto his feet again, “Yah! Hyung, you have to start getting ready. We were all called to wake you up! Hurry up, come on, come on! You have to get up today!” Right, he had to be somewhere and soon. Sighing quietly to himself and then ruffling Seungri’s hair, seeing that there was a wary look in his eyes to how he seemed worried still from last night. “Moving, moving. I’ll be ready in a bit.” Speaking quietly, only for Seungri to cut him off, “You only have half an hour, move fast!” Slipping out of the room while shutting the door behind himself and leaving a distressed Jiyong behind.

 

     Only half an hour?! He nearly flew around his room and back to his closet that he had just fixed up. Ah well, he could fix it again later tomorrow if he had time. Right now he needed to pick something out and place it onto the bed. Yanking the closet doors open, eyes scanning for something, anything that he saw which would look nice to throw towards the bed. His eyes landed on one of his favorite black blazer tossing it onto the bed, black trousers, his brown belt, and finally a grey tee with a heart on the breast pocket. Running around his room to pick up his things and bolting to the bathroom in record timing. Loudly closing the door behind himself and locking it as it was an awful habit. Stripping out of his clothes and stepping into the shower. Turning the water on and nearly screaming when a cold rush of water began to hit him. Whoever took a freezing shower in the middle of November was an asshole. It was waking him up at least so it was not that bad. Tilting his head back while leaving his eyes open he couldn’t help it that his mind wandered off into a different land. All he continued to think about was how Seunghyun eyed him that day and he had no idea if he was either terrified of it, or if he was absolutely paranoid. It was strange, he never saw him staring at him that intensely before and it certainly did put him on edge for some reason. Shaking the idea out of his head and allowing his hair to become soaking wet and washing up from head to toe. Shutting the water off a while later, drying hair with his smaller towel for a good moment or two before wrapping the bigger one around his waist. Rushing now to brush his teeth and dashing out of the bathroom and back towards his room. It sounded as if everyone was awake now, yet he had no time for interaction for any of them.

 

     Entering his room once more and getting dressed in only a matter of minutes and nearly having a meltdown at what shoes to wear before deciding on his favorite black glossy dress shoes. Looking at the clock on his desk, urgh he had less than ten minutes. Fuck, this was stressing him out, he swore that he was going to get grey hairs by the time he was finished. Brushing his hair out of his face with his fingers while gathering his phone, earbuds, and wallet into his pockets and finally collecting his sunglasses from the desk and placing them onto his face. Shutting the room light off while making his way to the door and closing it behind himself. From what he could hear, everyone was gathered in the kitchen eating breakfast together. That reminded him he would have to skip that if he wanted to be on time. This was turning out to be a lovely morning, wasn’t it? Heading towards the door and opening it and not bothering to waste his time and say goodbye to his members.

 

     Solely focusing on getting to the van in front of the dorm. Rushing towards it, placing his hand onto the handle and slipping inside once it was unlocked then finally sitting inside. Letting out a loud sigh in relief, the back of his head pressing against the headrest of his chair, his manager shaking his head with a smile on his face.

 

     “You were almost late you know. I had to track down everyone’s numbers and call them all to tell them to wake you up. Then I decided Seungri would be the best choice for you, seeing as you two are the famous Tom and Jerry duo.” His manager crossed his arms over his chest, watching Jiyong from the corner of the rearview mirror as the driver pulled out from being in front of their dorm and onto the road.

 

     “I know, I’m sorry about that. It won’t happen again, promise.” A lie. Not like he could try and prevent it from happening. If it happened, it happened. Nothing he could do about it.

 

     “Whatever you say, I’m holding you to it.” His manager scolded, warning him with a look that made him roll his eyes behind his sunglasses. This really was the morning from hell. Turning his head to look out of the window and to let his mind wander off, or to even take a quick nap. Well, until he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. Oh come on! Could he not catch a break or something? Was it irritate Jiyong day or what?

 

     Pressing his lips together while his hand tucked into his blazers pocket to pick up his phone. A text message from Youngbae reminding him to get something to eat before his crazy day took over his life. At least it was nice to be remembered with an exit like that.

 

     The rest of the car ride was spent looking out of the window and occasionally slipping into sleep. Though, feeling the van come to a halt, he knew that it was work time and his persona, G-Dragon could shine brightly. Unbuckling his seatbelt while his manager already stood out of the van and waited for him to get out as they made their way to the entrance of the beautiful building. The building could take his breath away if he wasn’t so focused on getting this first half of the day over with once and for all. He really hated mornings. Moving his sunglasses to the top of his head once the elevator had been pressed for and they were inside. Moving them from the bottom floor and to the tenth inside. Opening the door and revealing many different workers that he knew too well.

 

     Photographer in the center, prop setters, makeup artists, hair stylists, clothes stylist, etc. The life of the fabulous is what many would call it, but to him it was a small price to pay for their success. Giving a loud morning greeting as he was greeted back and instantly whisked away to have his makeup and hair done. Thank god. He looked like death even with the sleep he had the previous night, he did not look extremely awful.

 

    It felt as if it all happened in a blur, one minute he was sitting in a chair having his makeup done, the next he was sitting in a chair having his hair done and on his feet to get changed. Before he knew it, he was actually standing and having his picture taken. It felt like an eternity had passed by them with little to no effort. After he lost count of how many pictures were taken, he had a break between. Glancing at the time on his phone and seeing it was just the right time for lunch. Maybe his headache would disappear once he had something in his stomach and pretend like he was not getting light headed.

 

     Lunch flew by within a matter of what felt to be seconds. Then he was back to the backdrop of pure white and tons of cameras on him and flashing lights. He had no idea when or how he had gotten used to this when he was younger. Now at his age it just seemed to come beyond naturally to him. After hours had flown by, he had a chance to look at his phone again, a few hours until Dara’s party and a few missed text messages from the Queen herself, Chaerin. Tapping the passcode into his phone as he read the messages.

 

_Where are you?_

_Last I heard you went into a van and disappeared._

_It is kind of rude to ignore when someone is texting you and asking about your well being._

_Really, Ji?_

_Still no reply?_

_What the hell are you doing that is so important?_

_I will ruin your outfit tonight, just wait and see. xoxo._

 

     Pinching the bridge of his nose as he inhaled deeply, rolling his shoulders back for a moment or two. She was either concerned, or wanted to get under his skin to irritate him. Typing up a response to let her know that he was nowhere near dead or taken.

 

    _Photoshoot, sorry. I just checked my phone. I’ll be at the place in a little while, okay? Try to not alert the cops that I’ve been kidnapped. I will talk or see you later, can’t really talk right now. Sorry again._

 

     Hitting the send button before stuffing his phone back into his pocket, getting up from his seat and heading back over to his manager. It only led to him being redirected to the photographer while being shown the pictures that he enjoyed the most. After getting a heads up that he could indeed finally leave. God, it took much longer than he thought it would be. Getting out of the clothes he swapped for the ones he had arrived in, standing in front of the mirror as he adjusted his hair with a forced smile. Grabbing his belongings without bothering to look back. He had enough time to shower once again and properly get dressed.

 

     Getting inside the elevator as he pressed for the first floor, leaving the building while he quickly made his way into the van to take him back to the dorms. Putting his seatbelt on before coming to a stop and resting with his back pressed firmly against the seat. Tilting his head back while silently naming everything that he needed to do in the short hours he had left.

 

     Fuck, her gift. He needed to get her gift from where he purchased it. It was simple, yet somewhat special and silently hoped that no one would tease him about it. Guh. Everyone was well aware of how G-Dragon could be absolutely good with females. No, he did not love Dara, but he saw her just like how he saw his elder sister, Dami. He respected her and enjoyed whenever they would be together. It only felt right to get her topaz earrings. Even if they were in blue and not in the traditional color of orange. Orange seemed too bold of a color, the light blue made it feel a bit more of her style. He really hoped that she would like it and not embarrass him in front of everyone else.

 

     Letting the slow hum of the van lull him into a light sleep from the exhaustion he felt previously. When it eventually came to a halt, he unbuckled the seatbelt, thanking the driver and getting out. Shutting the van door behind himself as he made his way up the front steps. Getting his keys out, inserting them into the keyhole and finally inside the dorm building. Opting to go up the stairs to the third floor. It would be a waste to do so if he was kind of in a rush. Quickly stepping as his shoes clicked and clacked against the marble staircase. Stepping forward to the front door of their dorm with his keys in hand. Unlocking the door and stepping inside, shutting the door behind himself and leaving his shoes by the door. It was silent, thank god. He could not take another day which meant he would deal with the ridiculousness of his members. His primary focus was getting showered and out of here as soon as possible. Doing a fast check around the rooms to ensure that he was indeed alone.

 

     Knocking door to door, opening each and every single one of them. He felt like some cop who was spying on what he thought was a crime. He also felt like his father when he did this to ensure that he was asleep before he had became a trainee. Finding that all rooms were empty he decided to get ready for the long evening ahead of himself.

 

     Once he stepped out of the dorms and into a car, he was fully dressed; his gold chain hanging from his neck, a black short sleeved shirt that fit perfectly on his frame, dark jeans and classic black and white vans. His hair was neatly combed, well finger combed. Black locks out of his face and gelled back. Of course he had makeup to hide his nearly sleepless nights. Allowing his sunglasses to conceal his still sort of not hidden eye bags.

 

     Not bothering to check his phone for any messages since he did not seem to care at the moment about anything. Simply wanting to get Dara her birthday gift and to help set up for the occasion.

 

     Running a hand against the fabric of his jeans in attempt to rid himself of his nerves. Humming to the beat of his song 'That XX' for a few moments. Eyes curiously glancing out the car window often to see if they were almost there and into booming Seoul. They were minutes away, at least he was one step closer to the shop and the grand evening. He indeed hoped that Dara would enjoy the gift. He had grown accustomed to getting gifts primarily for men. Although, he occasionally got Seungri to accompany him in his efforts to get most of his closest female friends gifts.

 

     Feeling the car come to a halt once they arrived directly in front of the shop. Inhaling deeply before getting out of the vehicle and ensuring that anyone who happened to be lingering around would no way be glancing in his direction. That would slow him down and he honestly did not wish to deal with that at the current moment. Ducking his head and practically jetting into the jewelry store and to the clerk whom he placed the earrings into his possession. Spotting him and approaching him within seconds. It took a good ten minutes before he had the earrings in a black small bag with a white stripe in the center and colorful tissue paper in the center of it to hide the velvet box which the earrings were inside. He was indeed alone. At least the dorm was clean, that wouldn’t make him feel the urge to run around and clean everything up. Heading into his room to put another outfit onto the bed.

 

     Maybe he needed to hire a personal maid because his room resembled a whirlwind. He would clean it up whenever he had the actual time to properly do this again. Taking some clothes out and throwing them onto the bed. Rearranging them when he agreed which accessories would match and what needed to be put away once more. Glancing towards the clock and sending a final glance to his bed where his outfit laid. Perfect.

 

     Grabbing whatever he needed as he made his way to the bathroom once more then slipping inside of the room. The shower itself took a bit longer than expected, mostly because he felt as if the makeup refused to get off of his face and down the drain. Heading back to his room to get dressed so he would be back on the move. Placing everything away once he was done then taking a look at himself in front of the mirror. A black short sleeve curved hem tee, white jeans which were of course tight, his favorite black leather jacket with black classic vans. His accessories included his 22k gold with diamond necklace, and a silver watch on his wrist. Having combed his hair and slicked it back, though in no way was it neat, instead it was messy. Just the way that he enjoyed it most. Placing his glasses once again onto his face as he triple checked to make sure he had everything that he needed for the night before taking his leave of the dorm again.

 

     His next objective was to pick up the earrings from the jeweler that he usually bought from. Making his way down the stairs quickly and out of the dorm and to a different car this time. A van was too obvious and he rather not be caught doing this. Slipping into the backseat, leaving the dorm area out of sight and into downtown Seoul. It took a short while for the car to get there. Rushing out of the vehicle and heading into the store. Ducking inside with ease, nearly sighing out loud that he was not spotted by how many people were all over the place. Going up towards the seller that sold to him. The process was over and done with within minutes. Exiting the store with the box of earrings being carried in a bag with colorful tissue paper to conceal it slightly more than it was before. He really, really, hoped that Dara would like the gift. It wasn't that he was worried about it. Okay, that was an absolute lie. He worried what felt like a few of his black hair strands to be completely white. G-Dragon was well known for how he was often referred to being the sweetest whenever he had a girlfriend or simply known as the player. Which, he knew damn well that he was not that at all. It was a simple thing that came naturally to him. Although, it was more of Jiyong whom was more of a soft comforting boyfriend rather than G-Dragon whose scandals remained engraved on his skin as if they were just as visible as his tattoos were. The only sole difference was that his tattoos were not his mistakes, they were reminders to himself.

 

     Opening the car door, getting inside and settled once again, the car took off to his next destination. Towards the club that was managed to be booked for Dara, thanks to Chaerin and her fantastic knowledge of clubs and bars. Leaning back in his seat with a drowsy sigh and adjusting the glasses over his eyes. Now time ticked down until he would make it to his destinated location. Right now he could use some minor rest.

 

     It felt strange. To not be near him, to not hear him, but to hear the shuffle and quiet close of the door that led to the outside world. It was odd that he, even if his schedule was packed for days and weeks at times, that he chose this morning to be the one where he had decided to not check on them. Jiyong normally never did this. It was unlike him and it made him antsy. Why today? He should've done something, anything to get him to get out of his shell. He was not in this alone. This was their family, as much as Jiyong tried to keep it together as a leader and friend, it was difficult. Sure, they had their fair share of arguments amongst one another. Those were family things. Things that occurred more than they probably enjoyed. But, a family none the less. They were meant to look after one another, harass them or wait until they spoke their true feelings. Jiyong shut down, shut in and barely seemed to be sleeping, eating and going outside unless he knew that he needed it. Surely that scandal was behind them now. He simply needed to snap out of it and realize that this could not continue. Seunghyun bit the inside of his cheek. He was currently at an variety show event. Filming had started, however it was a break. He checked his phone time and time again as if Jiyong was going to text him, as if he was anyway. It was a long shot in the goddamn dark. He wouldn't do that at all. Jiyong was not the kind of person to do that in the single least. Things would explode first before this happened. He knew him to well. He was an open book. Easy to predict. Everyone else just so happened to be clueless as to when it came to his emotional being. They were a family. As much as they hated to admit it. They were a dysfunctional family. No family was perfect and they were full of flaws. Flaws were often inescapable and difficult.

 

     The overwhelming emotion that Seunghyun felt to protect Jiyong just so happened to be a surge of something he could not place his finger upon. Whenever things had gotten too tough, Jiyong always came to him to speak to. He had no idea as to why, he was not good at comforting. This was not his best area, although the glee he felt whenever it would occur was something related to bliss. He was aware that he was too young to be stressed like this. His success was phenomenal at a better lack of words. A genius and someone that many people admired. Someone who had been there much longer as a trainee. First belonging to SM Entertainment, one of the biggest Korean pop companies in all of South Korea. Giving the world to become aware of many acts including; Super Junior, Girls Generation, EXO, TVXQ and many more. However, going to YG instead. A choice and challenge all at once. Six years as a trainee to have everything he had worked so hard for to be placed the burden upon of becoming the leader of BIGBANG and a five man group to which he did not want to happen. A five man group with three of them being rookies and unable to fully grasp the music industry as a whole.

 

     These walls were difficult to crack and steel was known to be the strongest material on earth and everyone seemed to believe that Jiyong was made of it. They were obviously incorrect, he was merely someone who had to place that strong face and make his eyes as icy as he possibly could, while to other people he seemed calm and strict. It was not a lie, even during the filming of their documentary, he had always been the fire breathing dragon. His words, his attitude and how easily he could make someone feel like they were nothing. He was aware that Jiyong strived for this, hungered for it and would do almost anything to get it done. No matter who he had to get out of the way and how much he absolutely loathed being the leader of a now five man band instead of a duo with Taeyang. He still took his responsibility and ensured that everyone in the group was treated with the utmost respect. Most of the time, he often was forgotten about by the members. He knew it was terrible, awful, and that he was not doing his job as someone who was older than he was to assist and prevent Jiyong from facing the stress and pressure he must’ve felt during the scandal crisis, when an album was coming up and he had to somehow find a way to juggle everything else and his health, he felt horrible. What kind of a Hyung was he? Definitely not a very good one. Slipping past those walls that were steel and unbreakable. Letting his fingers hover above the screen of his cell phone, wiping it with the screen with his thumb.

 

     While most were aware that Jiyong grew to warm up to the idea, it was a torturous experience. The many fights that they had due to his demanding personality in which made it barely possible to be on the same wavelength with him being their leader.

 

     Yet, he managed through being the underdog in a business that proved to be difficult, that he would bulldoze through anything to get his dream out of the jar.

 

     Inhaling slowly as he moved to wipe the screen of his phone with his fingers. Tapping on Jiyong's contact name. Surely he could not be busy anymore, right? He was supposed to be at a party tonight. Dara's at that. He wanted to check up on him. Ensure that he was fine, would be fine and not have a repeat of yesterday. It was definitely much too worrisome to deal with. Biting the inside of his cheek as he contemplated it. Would he reply? Would he not? It was nail biting really. It was driving him insane. Humming silently to himself to make a decision. This was their family when they were not near their family. It always felt like this. He was the oldest, he had an obligation to check on his Dongsangs. Even though he just so happened to be terrible at it. They only had each other and Mr. Yang himself. It was time that he began filling out his obligation. Glancing around the area for a split moment to make sure that no one would be nearing or entering his space bubble before typing up a message. Tapping the iPhone's screen to life and beginning a text message.

 

      _I hope you are doing well._

 

     Urgh, too formal. Way too formal. It was disgustingly formal.

 

     Trying once more,

 

      _Don't do anything you will regret tonight._

 

     Well, that might offend him without meaning to do so. He was seriously fucking up. It sounded as if he was scolding him, which he definitely did not mean to do. It was not in his interest to scold him. Sighing before pinching the bridge of his nose, one last time.

 

  _You know, not saying good morning to your hyung and dongsangs is pretty rude, right?_

 

     That seemed better. He usually teased him anyway. The two of them had a pretty good relationship with one another. It was always light hearted fun whenever they were together. However, as soon as he was going to send the text message, break was announced as over and they needed to quickly readjust themselves onto the set with thousands of eyes watching them. Groaning as he moved from the solitude he enjoyed oh so much and back to being by other korean singers and actors seats. It mostly went unnoticed that Jiyong would never get the text message. Only because he had not clicked send. Leaving him to believe that he was actually waiting for Jiyong to text him back.

-

     Jiyong had arrived at the best moment possible. Of course it was crowded, but it was not the overflowing amount of people that would be there. Cars were filling into the spaces quickly, but he managed to not to deal with that problem. Humming softly as he carefully made his way inside. The music was loud, but not deafening yet. Greeting those that he knew as he made his way deeper inside the club. It was nothing short of what Chaerin managed to book for this event. His eyes scanning around for at least one member of 2ne1. Hell, he would even be satisfied if he came into view of their manager. Which had been deemed impossible at the moment. Snaking his petite frame past those that he had yet to know as he managed to finally locate those beautiful yet dangerous eyes. Chaerin in all of her grace, wearing a gold and black dress with tall black heels. Her eyes were more electrifying than they usually appeared. Probably due to how excited she was at being the party host of this event.

 

     Taking a few steps to her direction as she did the exact same. A light smile coming onto her face that displayed how well her signature beauty mark was extremely beautiful. "Glad to see you actually came and didn't buckle yourself in the studio with Teddy or YG." Quirking an eyebrow in his direction, her arms crossing over her chest. She knew him too well at times. Of course he would be there if this was not the case or event. Hell, he would have been in there for days if he could have been. However, Teddy recommended relaxing a tiny bit due to the stress he underwent recently. Only until he was distressed would he be able to hog the studio and his attention for days. Ah, he missed it. Snickering quietly before rolling his eyes underneath his glasses before placing them onto the top of his head, "Not yet. I hope you had enough time while I haven't been there. Don't worry, you'll be put back as YG's second best in a matter of weeks." His eyes locking with hers. Silence engulfed them before they both broke into a fit of laughter. Chaerin shaking her head, "Second best? That's a classic. I'll make sure to tell Bom that one later tonight," Coming closer to him and enveloping him into a hug. Returning the gesture with a small laugh of his own, "I can't help it. It is nice to see you too. You look beautiful as always." Pulling back from the hug as he took a small step away. Her doing the same with a small huff. "Thank you, you look like a rock star night tonight." Saying the word in English. Sticking her tongue out before sending a quick glance around the area. “Come on, we still need a bit of more help in setting everything up to make sure everything is perfect. I’ve worked too hard to let anything or any mistake go and ruin this night.” Beckoning him over towards the back of the club where they were still setting the tables up. Deciding to assist rather than standing there and being forced to mingle with people that he knows, but not too well or glance at his phone all night long when he was amongst friends, seemed to be wrong in a way. This would help in distracting him at the moment and seemed way better than all of the other options that he had currently.

 

     He was somewhat glad that he would be away from his bandmates for the night. Not that he did not want to be around them whenever he could, but it was nice to also be with others once in a blue moon too. It got sick and tiring having to hear their constant arguing and teasing after the past few weeks. Tonight, he could let loose, hang around with his favorite four ladies and people he had known for ages to relax before forcing himself to get back to writing. A process that to others may have seemed to be utterly tedious, however to him it was not at all. It was relaxing. Following his Chaerin behind as he assisted the other helpers into setting the tables. The seats and tables were set to be in a circle so that everyone would be able to see one another’s faces. Not to mention that the dance floor was down the way past the tables. The music continuing to blare higher and higher as more people began to make their way over to their location to help or say their hello’s.

 

     After what felt like a good half an hour, more people began flooding inside and he saw glimpses of Minzy and Bom. They seemed to be scattering around and from what he knew, Dara had absolutely no idea about this night. While it was amusing, it was also nice to see that she had a lot of love surrounding her. She was ultimately a beautiful person, inside and out and it made him feel at ease knowing this.

 

     He had promised himself to not get blistering drunk tonight, but becoming tipsy was definitely was on his to do list of the night. It helped to somewhat clear his mind and not feel as if his every move had a consequence to it. Rubbing his palms together as he was standing besides Bom after what felt like ages and they both had conversed saying hello and catching up with each other briefly, the birthday girl was coming through the doors. When she walked into the room it felt like all of the air had been knocked out of his lungs and staring at her in awe. Dara was the definition of an actual angel. Her soft brown hair was not as long as it had been previously, and she was dressed in a baby blue dress that stopped above the knee and was sleeveless, with white heels to match and silver bracelets and a pendant to match. The look on her face made him laugh a bit more than he should have. Her big brown eyes opening wide as if she was a deer stuck in the headlight and nearly jumping when people had shouted ‘Surprise!’ While it seemed childish, she could not help other than to smile and laugh with a light blush spreading across her cheeks. Chaerin, Minzy and Pom practically dragging her over and into his direction. He had no idea what they were saying, but it seemed to be making Dara laugh either nervously or whole heartedly. Goddammit, now he was getting anxious. He hated whenever they would do this. Everyone had their small speculations that Dara and Jiyong were a thing or were going to have a thing sooner or later. Which he thanked god was not true. She was too special to him to date. Besides, he did not want to drag her into the chaotic life of G-Dragon and more into Bigbang. A leader who could possibly be almost the worse laughing stock of leaders in K-Pop history.

 

     The girls pushing Dara in front before they seemed to have scattered away. Quickly placing his hands in his pockets with a small smile coming onto his face. Okay, natural, do not dodge your eyes. You will give yourself away if you do so. “Jiyongsshi!” She chirped happily, pulling him into a soft hug against her small frame, which was nearly his height because of her heels. She smelled like sunflowers, a smell he had grown to love. It suited her more than anything else than he could possibly think of.

 

     “Happy birthday!” He greeted, hugging her back in return, once again being the first one to pull away. “How does it feel being a year older?” Crossing his arms over his chest as she laughed softly, covering her mouth with her hand slightly. A habit that he noticed she always did for some reason or another. It was cute. “Do not remind me. I do not wish to be another year older. However, we cannot stop that, so I guess it makes me feel ready for the new challenges that I am going to be facing in this new age. How are you? We haven’t seen each other in a while.” Responding smoothly, the two of them standing to the far left side of the room now, him merely moving a hand to rub the back of his neck. “Well, you have always been sagely, so I have no doubt that you will be doing fine. Don’t worry about it. Anyway… I’ve been decent. Antsy, but decent. Thank you for asking, how are you?” However, judging by the look on her face, she did not seem to believe that he was decent at all. The antsy part surely, but decent was something that she knew nothing about. “Yah, don’t lie. Come on, you can talk to me!” Shaking her head with a small frown coming onto her face, making his heart feel as it it was being squeezed. It was her special day and she was asking about him instead of enjoying the night and saying to her friends that they would be able to speak together later in the night and not as soon as possible. “Ehh…” His voice dragging off, rocking himself on the back of his feet. Her stare was growing intense so he could either choose between a lie or the actual truth. Ah screw it. “Everything feels like it is not getting better, but worse. I just rather not talk about it tonight, if you don’t mind.” Shrugging his shoulders, glancing away and breaking their eye contact. The look in her eyes did not seem like an understanding one, but hearing her sigh with a nod of her head, was definitely a good thing. A relief. “Sure, sure. Just remember I am your friend, Ji.” Poking him in the chest with her index finger. A smile on her face before flicking his nose slightly. Shaking his head before giving his arm out to her to take like a true gentleman would. She took it quickly, laughing and making her way closer to him. “Alright… whatever you say your majesty, GD." Taking small steps ahead to lead them in another direction. He appreciated it nonetheless, being away from almost everyone else made him feel completely at ease.

 

     They continued their walking in a calm silence, something that Jiyong felt as if he had not had in months, weeks, days, hours. Practically keeping his eyes low on the ground while keeping their arms linked. It was as if Dara could understand everything that he was going through in the silence that he gave off. Rolling his shoulders back, however, when they suddenly came to a halt by one of the fancy booths that were set up, he knew they would have to talk. At least a little bit. Unlinking their arms and allowing her to sit in the left hand side, before sliding into the right side. Rubbing his hands against his jeans to get rid of all of the clammy feeling. Dipping his head slightly off to the side to scratch awkwardly at his cheek. She on the other hand, merely waited patiently. She was ridiculously kind to him when he did not deserve it.

 

     However, he decided to try and avoid this conversation deeply, remembering that he had her gift still. Inhaling deeply and slowly speaking. “Before I forget, I want to give you something. I hope you like it.” With a gentle smile she nods her head, her soft brown bangs moving when she did. Her eyes nearly lit up and she closed her eyes, as if waiting for the surprise that he hoped he could live up to.

 

     Reaching in the pocket of his jacket, he pulled the box out. Lips pressed together and slowly placing his hand onto the table. Slowly moving his hand to take hold of hers and open her palm as if she was something fragile. As if she was something that he would break. Placing the box inside of her hand and gently lacing her fingers on it before pulling away. Within moments of him moving away, she opened her eyes. Glancing at the box in her hands, sending a quick glance in his direction. A smile appeared on her face, slowly moving her manicured fingers to open the box. Spotting the jewelry inside of the box before directly looking at him. God, he felt like he was her unspoken boyfriend with how red his cheeks were turning. He thanked god that the place was dimly lit or else it would be too obvious how coy he felt. “Jiyongsshi… it is so.. beautiful. I don’t know what to say,” Settling her eyes back down on the jewelery below. Staring in a slight disbelief. Sighing softly. “I did not expect.. this.” Something inside of him burst, causing him to get up. Gently moving to take hold of the box, detaching the necklace from its hold and sliding a bit behind her in the booth, placing it around her neck. It was silent afterwards, him remaining there before a wave of panic settled upon him. What was he doing? She was older than he is. They are labelmates, they should not be doing any of this. What is someone was watching and waiting for him to screw up. What if another scandal occurred because of this? He could see it right now. G-Dragon pulling labelmate Dara into a relationship and all of the neitzens firing at both of them for how stupid they are. He did not want to pull her into it. He couldn’t stay here. “Sorry.. I need some fresh air.” Quickly moving away from his spot and rushing from the area. Hearing her faint calling of his name.

 

      **Get out of there now.**

 

     He needed to get far away from here within the next few minutes. The music was blaring now and it was so loud that he practically felt the floor shaking. All of the people were crowded around the bar, dancing or making conversation. He could not stay here. His heart was beating too much in his chest that if he stayed any longer, he swore he would probably end up in the hospital.

 

     Allowing his dark brown eyes to scan for any space he could move to. Mustering apologies whenever he would bump into someone while on his way to desperately escape the area. Everyone’s body heat was enough to drive him to the brink of insanity. After what felt like an eternity, he located the exit of the club. Glancing around to ensure that no one would pester him or prevent him from leaving. Finding no such person, he was able to slip past the few waves of people and finally end up outside. Stumbling and leaning against the brick wall for support to keep himself upright. Inhaling deeply as his heart slowly began to let up. However, he needed to get out of here. Somewhere else to occupy his mind and soul right now. Bar. There it was. A bar could be the answer to all of this. A few drinks and then head back to the shared apartment. Simple, a simple solution.

 

     Glancing around to ensure that no one was secretly stalking him, he began his way to one of his favorite spots so he could drink some of his minor sorrows away.

 

\--

 

     He had grown worried hours ago, now he was plain old anxious. Why hadn’t Jiyong texted him back? Where was he? He knew something about going to a party, but he never truly found it enough of a deal to pay attention to what he had mentioned before. Now here he was, pacing around the empty living room of the apartment. For god’s sake, where was everyone else when he needed them?! He had only left for a few hours to run an errand and when he arrived back home, no one was home. No notes, no calls, no texts. Absolutely nothing. He felt hopeless. Seunghyun had never felt this hopeless in his entire life. Right now, this was the number one moment. He could handle being criticized for not being able to dance as good as the other members, or how he looked previously, or even his crooked bottom teeth before he began acting and taking it seriously. Not knowing where anyone was, or even where Jiyong was after all that he has been through in the past few months, was making him into a nervous wreck.

 

     Picking his phone up from the coffee table and taking a glance at it to see if any news has been sent his way, only to be disappointed and find none whatsoever. Groaning and entering his pin code to gain complete access to his phone before going directly to the text messages. Immediately hitting Jiyong’s name. Only to let out a loud groan and a silent cuss. Of course he did not send the fucking text to him. He was an idiot. A complete idiot. Pinching the bridge of his nose before deleting the message and moving his fingers across the keyboard to text a new message.

 

    _Where are you right now?_

 

 

    _You have been outside all day long and I have no idea where you are now._

 

     No. Too pushy.

 

     Deleting the message and trying again,

 

    _Ji, can you call me? It’s important._

 

     There. That sounded better. Maybe a bit more urgent than needed, but right now, he needed to get in touch with him.

 

     Glancing at the time on his phone. It was late. Too late. 2 am was definitely a time that a party could potentially be over, but, Jiyong would usually let someone in the group know if he was coming home now, or later on. With no one else even being home, it left him in charge of having to figure out what the heck was going on. He was semi inside of the loop and this twisting feeling in the pit of his stomach practically wailed at him otherwise that something was happening. Something bad at that. Checking his other messages to see if any of the other members have seen his message. To no avail though. Sucking his teeth and running a hand through his hair. Fuck. What was he going to do? Report to their boss and tell him that everyone but himself was currently missing? That would be a monstrous thing to do. Times like these, he loathed being the eldest.

 

     Moving to the couch to finally take a seat and not leave a burning hole in the middle of the room, he heard his phone going off. Immediately answering it as if his life depended on it. “Hello?” Not bothering to even check who was calling. Merely praying to god that it was someone from their group. “Hello? Oppa, is this you?” He could recognize that voice anywhere. Chaerin and with how her voice was full of worry in it, it made him nearly panic. “Yeah, what’s going on? Why is the music so loud?” Hearing her sigh on the other side of the phone she explained quickly, “Dara? Her party? Remember? We’ve mentioned it more than a dozen times now? Did you bother to listen, Oppa?” No. He didn’t. “Mmm. I forgot. Anyway, why are you calling? Is Ji coming home? Do you need me to come pick him up--?” Before he was able to finish his sentence, he was being cut off. “Actually, Oppa… Ji left without telling any of us. Dara said that he went to go and get fresh air.. but that was a few hours ago. I was calling to see if he made it home.. but clearly he didn’t.” He nearly dropped his phone to the floor. Fuck. Fuck, FUCK. Where could he be? Where would he run off to at this time of night? What if something bad happened to him? Ugh, this idiot was going to get himself killed!

 

     “No, don’t worry about it. I’ll go find him, I’ll let you know if anything.” Not allowing her to finish her sentence before he hung up on her. He was livid. When he got his hands on Jiyong, he swore he was going to give him the silent treatment for months. But, he realized that he would not be able to leave the apartment in case he came back. If he came back. Great, just great. He was aware that whenever Jiyong would go the bar, he would always come back on his own, but right now he did not know what to believe. He would wait. If he did not show up in the next hour or two, he was calling everyone else and making them search all of Seoul for him if he had to. He refused to allow Jiyong to suffer in his shell anymore.

 

     Settling down on the couch and grabbing the remote to tell the television on so something else could occupy his mind or else he would end up going inside. Ugh. This was the worse day he had in awhile. He silently hoped that all would go well.

 

\--

 

     His vision was woozy and he felt as if he took a wrong step, his head would collide with the floor at any given second. He had lost count of how many drinks he had tonight. He last remembered somewhere around seven or eight. God only knows how much he drank from then to now. Having long bid the taxi that left him in front of the apartment he gripped the railing of the short steps to ensure he would not end up falling and crashing. Stumbling over his own two feet until he was able to grab hold of his keys with a shaky hand and allow himself entry to inside of the place. Allowing the door to slam behind him and letting out a small sound at how his head was pounding at the sound, bad idea. Having to walk up another flight of stairs to their floor. Which took a good actual five minutes to do with how much he had to resist the urge of throwing up on the stairs. Dragging himself up the stairs and in front of their door. Fumbling with the keys, dropping them and banging his head against the doorknob with a loud cry. Which was enough to make him fall to his knees and clench his head in his hands. Why was he a klutz? He did not register footsteps approaching the door and the door opening. Keeping his eyes closed while he rocked back and forth. Fucking shit. That hurt. What hurt even more was feeling someone grab him to stand up and enter the dorm. The door closing while he was being led to what he believed was the kitchen. He prayed that it was Youngbae. Moving to finally open his eyes and adjust to the light above them, it was definitely a face he was hoping to avoid. Seunghyun looked as if he could murder him right there and then.

 

     The harsh glare was enough to force him to look down again. Lowering his head and glaring at the floor instead.

 

     Jiyong looked like absolute shit, not to mention he reeked of alcohol. His clothes were wrinkled, his hair was matted, and he looked just about ready to burst into tears. Almost all of the rage that he had before, melted away instantly. Pinching the bridge of his nose and bringing him a glass of water to sober up just a tiny bit. Placing it onto the table and taking a seat across from him.

 

     Before he even got to respond, Jiyong had bursted into tears, and choked sobs. Great, just great. Whatever happened today that made him leave the party, must’ve been awful. He would never leave like that out of nowhere. Getting up and heading over to him and slightly crouching down so they could be eye to eye. However, all of the desperation that he saw, was enough to kill him and hesitantly place his arms around the smaller male. Wrapping him in his arms and shushing him. Which only led to more sobbing and feeling Jiyong press his face into the crook of his neck. Wet tears are all he could feel along with the hot breath against it.

 

     “Hyung-- Hyung, I- ‘m such a fuck up! I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I feel like everything is shutting down and closing in on me. Like-Like I’m nothing! Like ‘m some sort of bug that has no real purpose.” He hiccuped, shaking his head and moving to wrap his arms around himself as if to protect himself as well. He hated this feeling. Feeling as if nothing was going to fix itself, no matter what he did, what he could try to do in order to redeem himself in the eyes of others, he would never be accepted back in. One mistake had gone and practically run his name down into the mud. Someone, no, almost everyone was out to get him for a simple mistake. He hated everything about what he did. No matter how many times he said sorry, it felt as if it would never work.

 

     “Ji, you are _not_ any of those things, do you hear me? This is just the alcohol talking, okay? But, you are not any of that. We care about you, Ji. Can’t you see that? We want the best for you, but we can’t help you if you are not willing to help yourself. You need to wake up and realize that everything is going to be okay. Do you hear me?” His words felt as if they were useless. A feeling he despised the most. All he heard was Jiyong’s sobbing, avoiding his statements, merely staying in his arms. Only shaking in his arms and allowing all of the alcohol overtake him and make him into something so small. He hated this. This was one of the things that he had been trying to warn the other’s about. To not let their leader fall when he needed them the most. When he had always been there for every single one of them. It cut him like a knife and he wished someone else would have placed it in his heart instead.

 

     “It- It _won’t_ work, Hyung.. no matter how hard I try.. I’ll be a loser, a failure, someone who made a mistake and lost everything-- and- and ‘m a bad leader because I’m dragging all of you into this and I don’t want to see you guys get hurt either,” His words were ridiculously slurred, but they still made his heart ache and shattered into a million pieces. “Ji… you aren’t a bad leader. We all make our mistakes and there is nothing that you can do about it. All we can do is learn from it. We’ll always be here to support you, you know that, right?” Slightly leaning back in his spot to get a glimpse of Jiyong’s face. Only to find it tear stained, red, puffy and him now asleep. Of course.

 

     Of course. Shaking his head and letting out a sigh before moving to slowly pick him up into his arms. Carefully moving with ease around the apartment and opening his own room door. He would have an easier time keeping him in his sight if he was there and not locked away in his dungeon of a room. Not to mention, Youngbae wasn’t here so he wouldn’t be able to get in even if he wanted to. Placing him onto the bed and deciding to take his jacket off and hang it behind his desk’s chair before pulling the covers over him. Ensuring that he would remain asleep and be comfortable until whenever he decided to walk up. What were they going to do with him? He looked like an angel that descended from the heavens to only find destruction on earth. He never enjoyed seeing Jiyong in pain, even when they were kids.

 

     Heading to the front door of the bedroom and turning around for a moment, “Good night, Ji.” Mumbling softly whilst opening the door and slipping outside into the hallway. Now, time to call everyone else and inform them that Jiyong had come home and was safe and sound for now. At this moment, he realized that Jiyong would need a lot more help than he realized. He would ensure that he got the help that he deserved. 


	3. Fear.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You do not know me, Seunghyun. Just because when we were younger and friends, does not mean that you know me, or how I handle any of the situations thrown at me. Do you understand me?” Seething as he inhaled and exhaled harshly, his hands had balled into fists by his side, nearly quivering with rage. “Stop acting like you get me, stop acting like you can fix me, because you do not know anything about me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Welcome back to another chapter. Wrote this in a single day. Told you guys that this chapter would be up soon. I am still in search for a beta reader. I had a lot of fun writing this chapter. I hope you guys love this chapter as much as I did writing it. Warning: This chapter is a bit dialogue heavy and is a rollercoaster of emotions. Comments are welcomed and very much appreciated.

**Chapter 3:**

     Shifting with a quiet moan escaping past his lips, moving to bury his face more into the pillow that he had currently stuffed his face into for comfort. His head ached beyond much anything he had ever felt in his entire life. It was not nearly as bad as the time that he had been playing rough with Youngbae when they were teenagers. Bright eyed and oozing with confidence with every single step and word. Right now, he felt like complete shit. Feeling the thin blanket that was draped over his frame to be somewhat sticky. Giving him a feeling that he often tried to avoid after a night of drinking. Being hot and sticky had to be one of the worse feelings of all time. Something about the room that he was in right now felt off. Really _off._ Lifting his head from the pillow slowly and as calmly as he possibly could, he shifted so his cheek pressed against the said pillow instead. Keeping his eyes shut briefly before slowly opening them. Allowing his eyelids to flutter open and shut every few seconds, roughly rubbing his eye with his fingertips to wake up fully.

 

     When he did open his eyes, a deep nauseating feeling crept up on him from behind. This was not his room. Not the white painted walls of confinement that he locked himself up in for hours and days at a time. It was much too simple compared to the lavishment of his own room. Scrambling to sit up as dark locks of hair fell into his face that was no longer held back with his hairspray.

 

     Deep brown eyes hastily scanning the room to find some piece of evidence to where he was. He was hyper aware that he had spent the night drinking away. However, he was definitely not aware of just where the hell he was at the moment. He could feel himself lightly trembling, hands becoming clammy and his breaths becoming shorter with every waking moment. The room was dim, the only source of light had to be coming from the window on the left hand side of the room. The curtains were a deep navy blue, the room was practically navy, white and wooden furniture all over the place. Well, that was what he saw until his eyes finally hit the right side of the room from his spot on the bed. Figurines laid stacked on a bookshelf half his size. Knitting his eyebrows together and slowly leaning in to get a better view. Bearbricks. Thousands of bearbricks lined the still to be completely filled shelves. He had only known one person who collected those feverishly and that was Yang, his boss respectively. This room though, made him feel something else. This was a room he knew. He had been here before.

 

     Opting to find out just where he was, he threw the blanket off of his slim frame and stood up. Only to realize that he was still very well fully clothed. Which was a relief. It meant that this was definitely someone’s room that he knew. Someone that had not been trying to harm him in any way shape or form while he must have been speaking gibberish while intoxicated. Using the back of his right hand to shakily wipe the sweat off of his temple and run it against his jeans. Ugh. Gross. Once he figured out where the fuck he was, the quicker he could get a chance to take a shower and remain there until his dignity and pride returned.

 

     Forcing himself to stand up with a small groan of pain, he must’ve slept wrong. He took a few steps forward, wandering to the bookshelf with a new sense of curiosity. Glancing in the direction of the door, he prayed that he would not get caught snooping around. Pressing his lips together in a thin line once he came face to face with the figurines stacked and neatly lined up. Many of these were ones that he had seen before. Mostly in Yang’s office, some triple in size. Licking his lower lip and no longer pressing them together, he reached hesitantly for one that had the skin of Iron Man’s armor. Gently picking it up, messing with it for a few moments. Just who in the world would have this many bearbricks?! Who needed this many bearbricks in the first goddamn place? It made no sense. He often questioned his boss for having so many. He could understand that it was indeed a hobby and a collection, but this was a strange one. Could he not settle for something more, ‘normal’ or something? Shaking his head with a small sigh and taking a step away from the bookshelf. Deciding to place it back neatly into its position and aligning it almost the same way he had found it

 

     His head still felt like he was swimming and on a ridiculous high. Reminder to self, never get that wasted whenever alone. Maybe next time he won’t be coming back home. Who knows what the heck might happen to him next time.

 

 

 ****Running a hand through his hair and gaining the feeling of just how disgusting he felt, it was time to found out just where the hell he was. Making his way slowly towards the door of the room, lazily reaching a hand out and placing his hand on the doorknob. However, someone seemed to have the same idea to return to the room he was in. The door nearly clashing with Jiyong’s temple, only to be greeted with his hands trying to push the door back to not be hit by it. Letting out a loud hiss, “Hey, hey! Will you stop fucking pushing it?! I’m behind the door!” He shouted in slight dismay. It worked. The other person from outside of the room stopped pushing the door inwards. Allowing Jiyong a chance to take a sidestep from the front of the door.

 

     Their eyes met. Both orbs of dark brown staring back at each other. High eyebrows and equally high cheekbones and a grave look plastered on his face. Seunghyun was standing on the other side of the door. Fuck. Just what did he get himself into last night? He did not even remember anything past the point of him giving Dara her gift. Speaking first, hand reaching to open the door fully. Seunghyun must have dragged him back into his room during whatever the heck he was going on about last night. This was his room. No wonder why all of those bearbricks were there. It all made perfect sense. Not really, but he attempted to believe that it did make perfect sense.

    

     “Hyung... “ He threaded carefully, which was something that he never bothered to do much anymore.

     He was constantly on thin ice and one day he knew he would slip into that freezing water. The same drowning sensation that had been trying to pull him completely down for as long as he could remember. Dropping his hand and letting it rest by his side. Hoping that the shakiness of it would end by itself and not force him to hide it behind his back. Clenching his teeth together whilst an exasperated sigh escaped from his mate. Making him glance in curiousity. Seunghyun did not appear to be angry, but rather vexed.

  
****

 

     “Why are you out of bed? You should be resting.” He spoke calmly, even if his eyes held storms in them. Why was he speaking to him like this? Just what did he do last night?

     “I wasn’t tired anymore. What? I can’t wake up anymore?” He spat back, a slow burning rage became to form in his belly. Just when did he grow so aggressive? Maybe it was the lingering alcohol talking.

     “No. I am not saying that, I’m merely saying that after your drinking in self pity party, you should be sleeping. Not wake, not talking back. Asleep. Something that you look like you haven’t gotten in forever.” Taking a step closer to the room before gently pushing his way inside of his own bedroom. God. It reeked of alcohol. He would need a miracle of sprays and candles to get rid of the smell. He noted how Jiyong was watching his every step with each fiber of his eye. This kid was ridiculous.

     “For your information, I have slept,” It wasn’t a complete lie. He had been sleeping. The only thing was that he barely got enough of it until he crashed to sleep for more than a few hours. Crossing his arms over his chest, raising an eyebrow at his hyung. Just what was he trying to suggest? He felt fine, completely fine. This was his problem and his problem only.

     “Yeah, sure. Whatever, Ji.” Seunghyun responded tiredly, pinching the bridge of his nose. Shaking his head and closing his eyes briefly. Shutting all of their eye contact for a few moments. Straightening up and his tone becoming serious. “How do you feel? You came back pretty drunk last night. Do you want to talk about it?” Of course he was worried. Who was not worried about him? The idiot needed to open up and not lock all of his emotions away into a bottle. As if it was going to fix anything. It was and he knew by experience, that this bottle was going to be shaken and fizz with all of the emotions to leak out of it. He did not want to see such a thing happen. Not now, not later. Not anytime.

       
****

Jiyong bit his cheek. No. There was no way that he was going to talk about his problems to anyone. He was the only one who would be strong enough to handle this. It was his demons, his mistakes, no one else’s. No one needed to bare the price for all that he did.

     “Thank you for your concern, Seunghyun, but I’m fine. I can handle it. I just had a few drinks and got a little bit fucked up,” Shrugging his shoulders with precise ease. Too accommodated with lying through his teeth at this point. “We all get a little fucked up now and then. Don’t stand here to my face and lie saying that you haven’t gotten shit face wasted either. We all know that would be a lie.” Taking a step to the side, his eyes keen on getting out of this integration. He had enough of those in his lifetime.

     He saw something change in Seunghyun’s eyes.  A feeling that he could not place his finger on either. The storm behind his eyes had melted away. A simple look of bleakness appeared instead. He was onto him. He had to be sure to shake him off his trail for a bit longer.

     “Fine,” he groaned, shifting his stance to a more relaxed one. Dropping the seriousness from his tone. Thank god. “But, seriously. Go get cleaned up. Do not think I am going to drop this either.” He warned, forcing himself to let a fake smile come onto his face, waving a finger in disapproval in Jiyong’s direction.

     Snickering and tossing his head back, mocking him. “Oh, please. Who are you? Youngbae? This conversation is over, nice try. I will, however, take your advice on getting cleaned up. So if you excuse me.” Walking around his hyung and towards the direction of the door.

     “I wish I could be him sometimes so that you would just listen to one of us sometime.”  Seunghyun mumbled. Watching him for a moment before moving to direction of the bearbrick collection. He was a fool to think that Jiyong would actually listen to him and accept his words of advice. Someday he would. He hoped that someday would become a reality.

     He swore he could have slightly heard Seunghyun before he made it to the door. Whatever he was saying was not going to come true. No matter how much he tried and wanted it to have a simple solution. Nothing with Jiyong was easy. When would everyone else understand that and learn to accept it? Scowling the entire way to the door.

 **  
** Slipping out by the wide gap that was left open and into the hallway. Walking down the hallway and into the direction of his own bedroom. Shutting it behind himself and practically flinging himself onto his own bed. Kicking his shoes off and hearing them ‘thump’ loudly when they fell off of the bed and onto the floor. He felt stuck in a nightmare for one reason or another. 

 

 

     Everything he did seemed to have a domino effect and only end up making him go practically crazy. Hell, he felt crazy with how he must have made an excuse and booked it out of the party.

     Right. The party. Shit. Dara and the girls were going to surely be pissed off with him and his behavior. This was just fucking great. What else could go wrong?!

     Sighing and forcing himself up, he needed a nice steaming hot shower to get rid of all of these emotions. Not to mention, he knew that he reeked of alcohol. Not one of his favorite scents either. Grabbing whatever he needed and dragging himself out of the room, down the hallway and into the bathroom. Closing and locking the door behind himself. Then the wave of nausea hit him like a powerful punch in the face. Practically running to the toilet and crumbling to his knees. Spilling all of the contents into the bowl. He sort of thanked god that only Seunghyun appeared to be the other one in the dorm and everyone else appeared to be somewhere else. After a minute or two, he flushed it. Shakily getting back onto his feet and wiping his mouth with some toilet paper before flushing that too. Reminder to self, no more alcohol for a while.  

     Taking a step away from where he stood previously, he began to strip out of his clothes. Now this also reminded him and meant he was going to have to laundry. All he wanted to do was sleep the day away and that seemed to be the impossible right now. Moving inside of the shower and ensuring that the curtain was fully closed before turning the shower on. Making sure that the setting was not absolutely hot enough to burn his skin off. Just somewhere in the middle of that.

     When the water began to trickle down from the shower head and onto his skin, all he could do was groan. It felt nice to have this sensation pour over him, all of the bad feelings and thoughts momentarily drifted away and the smell of alcohol coming off of his skin and down the drain. Rubbing his tired eyes with his hands and allowing his hair to become completely soaked, running his fingers through it to no longer be in his face. His eyes were shut and his melt had for once listened and also shut up for a moment or so. He was safe. Nothing could hurt him. No one would hurt him. This dorm was where his sanity remained.

     After what felt to be an eternity his hands reached out for the shampoo and conditioner to wash his hair. Pouring the contents in his hands. This took about five minutes to complete. Usually it would take longer, but right now he wanted to go back to his bed. Gathering his soap and lathering himself up from head to toe to scrub all of the scent of alcohol off. When he felt clean enough, he slowly turned the shower off. Parting the curtain and reaching for his towel to dry himself off before wrapping it around his waist. Padding over to the sink and using his hand to wipe the fog off of the mirror, he saw himself in the reflection. With the makeup washed off of his face completely, he appeared to be a completely different person. He was no longer G-Dragon, he was back to being Jiyong. The same person that was destroying him with every step he took. The same brown eyes that had dark bags underneath them, black hair that was messy, somewhat dark skin that by no means considered attractive due to South Korea’s beauty standard, tattoos located all over the place that were his scars and armor at the same time. He was his own enemy and he hated it with every breathing moment. Clenching his teeth together roughly, staring longingly at his own reflection, only to reach for his toothbrush and begin to brush his teeth. Keeping his eyes downcast whilst he did so. Spending a good five minutes on it before spitting the toothpaste out, rinsing his mouth, the toothbrush and settling it back down amongst the other’s.

Turning around to gather his belongings, turning the doorknob and exiting the bathroom. Making his way towards the washing machine, opening it and tossing his clothes inside. Slamming it shut and heading back to his room to get dressed. The dorm was silent besides his ruckus. It did not bother him at all. He had grown used to it over the years. As they got older, they got assigned more projects to do. It was a blessing and a curse to be in the situation he was in. He could not be forced back into the spotlight, but he had to make sure that everything he did had care in it. Times like these, he really wished Youngbae was here to comfort him, or his mother, or even his sister Dami. They were a phonecall away, but they would never understand what he was truly going through. So he decided to not drag them in it. They had enough on their plates. He did not want to bring them more worry and stress. This was his _dream_. His _reality_. Everything he did now was on him. No one was going to baby him. He was at the age where he knew right from wrong. At least that’s what Yang said to him at least.

 

     Opening the door to his room and shutting the door roughly, he allowed his mind to wander. Deodorant was the first thing he applied when he walked back into his room. Walking over to his dresser to pull out boxers, sweatpants and an undershirt. Removing his towel and getting dressed again. Then moving towards his closet to pull out a pullover hoodie. Finally, it was socks that he put on. He hated walking around the dorm bare foot. That was disgusting in his opinion.

     Walking out of the room with a lack of pep in his step, he went back into the direction of the washing machine. Growing more and more irritable by the second. Grabbing the laundry detergent and placing it into the slots before turning the machine on. Once it was on, he pressed his forehead against it. Not caring it was moving. It felt nice that it somewhat soothed his overcoming headache. Hearing someone chuckle behind him, his eyes flew up, taking an enormous step back. “What’s so funny?” He inquired, not in the mood to have to deal with this. Or anyone right now.

     “Told you, you should be resting. In a bed. Not against the washing machine. Come on, Ji. Go back to bed. I can handle this.” Seunghyun’s deep voice rumbled behind him. Yet, Jiyong was stubborn. He was not a child. Even if Seunghyun just so happened to be the eldest of the group, did not mean that he was their maid.

     “Yah, yah,” Shaking his head and waving a hand dismissively, keeping his back turned to the other, “I can handle it. Do you not have something else to do, you know, besides pestering me?” The words came out a bit harsher than he intended them to be, but right now he was not in the mood.

 **  
** “No. I have nothing planned for today. Hence, you are my top priority right now. Stop trying to act like you are not tired, just go take a nap. You are cranky enough. We do not need you snapping at anyone else when they come back.” His voice remained soft and Jiyong was contemplating punching him in the face to back off and leave him the fuck alone.

 

     “God, you are pissing me off. I can handle _myself_ , okay? Piss off, I can take care of it. I’ll take a nap later. Just, go away.” Waving a hand again to dismiss him. Keeping his eyes on the clothes that were being spun inside of the machine. He could feel himself becoming more and more agitated with how Seunghyun spoke to him. Just, who the hell did he think he is?! He was the leader, not him! He was the one that spent nights losing sleep in order to write their songs, to make sure that they would be the ones to rule the K-Pop industry. To make all of their lives better. All Seunghyun did was rap and act. He was not better than any of them. Not in the single least.

 

     “Calm down, Ji.” He felt his breath against his neck and his heart could not help other than to freeze. Thumping loudly inside of his chest as he stood there. No, froze there in place. This could not be happening. Why was he suddenly behind him? This was not okay. Why, why, why?

     “I get it, you can handle yourself, but for how much longer? You cannot go on like this. You are destroying yourself, can you not see that?” He uttered quietly, carefully.

     Jiyong was aware of this. He knew he could not play this game of pretending much longer. It was a matter of time before he broke into thousands of pieces. Before no one was going to be able to fix him and make sure that he was going to be okay. He would never in his life admit it out loud. Seunghyun was playing with him. Messing with his head. This was not reality. This was merely part of the nightmare he had been living for weeks now. He did not care. He wanted to make it seem like he cared before he would probably ruin him too. Out of pure instinct, he elbowed his older idol member in the chest, spinning around with an overcoming fire burning in his eyes.

 **  
** Seunghyun had let out a small gasp of pain, placing his hand over the spot where he was just hit. Watching Jiyong carefully. If he was going to do something, he could not do it right now with the way he was reacting. This was merely a reaction that had to do everything with how much he was bottling everything up **.**

 

“You do not know me, Seunghyun. Just because when we were younger and friends, does not mean that you know me, or how I handle any of the situations thrown at me. Do you understand me?” Seething as he inhaled and exhaled harshly, his hands had balled into fists by his side, nearly quivering with rage. “Stop acting like you get me, stop acting like you can fix me, because you do not know _anything_ about me. I was the one who gave you this opportunity. Do not forget that it was me, without me mentioning any of this, you would not be here right now.” Clenching his jaw tightly whilst he stood there, trying to regain his calmness, which was not going to occur anytime soon.

 

 

      There was an undefinable line of hurt in Seunghyun eyes and it somewhat made him feel joy. People always liked to believe that they knew him, that just because they were friends meant that he could trust them. The only one he could trust was Youngbae. If not him, then their maknae, Seungri. Those two only. Without sparring another word, he exited the area, abandoning the washing machine to settle back into his room. Quickly locking the door behind himself. Throwing himself onto his bed, placing the pillow over his head to block out Seunghyun knocking on the door to desperately get him out and have a normal conversation with him. Soon the knocking had been tuned out and without much realization, Jiyong had fallen asleep.

\--

     Seunghyun knocked on the door for ten minutes straight. The words hurt more than the insults he were thrown while growing up. Jiyong was right, without him, he would not be here. However, it did not give him the right to lash out like that. It reminded him of when they were younger and on the verge of debuting and how often Jiyong would lash out on everyone. If someone messed up one small step, there would be a huge consequence for it. Hell, he was sure that he spent most of the time making his, Daesung and Seungri’s life a living hell. All because he did not get what he wanted and had to be forced to become a leader of a group with three rookies and his best friend. His words stung and he tried to push that emotion into the back of his mind. Right now, he needed to talk with Jiyong. Even if he did not want to talk to him. He knocked until his knuckles turned red and hurt. Stubborn. He had always been stubborn. Sometimes being stubborn was a good thing. Jiyong was good in all of the right places. His stubbornness never failed to amaze him or anyone else at YG. He wanted to be the best and that was what he was. The best, if anything less, he felt as though he was nothing. All of the nights that they all stayed up and practiced until the sun would rise and call it a night, all of the nights he stayed awake to ensure that the group would not fail. Always taking care of them whenever something happened. Jiyong had always been there. It was his turn to return the favor of always being there. He wanted nothing more than to be by his side and stay there. To remind him that he was worth something. That people made mistakes and to not allow it to become you.

     To no resolve, Jiyong did not open the door and he felt his heart ache. He knew he was terrified of having someone to look out for him. To have someone see his flaws and accept them with open arms. Jiyong was strong, too strong for his own good, at least that was what he thought most of the time. He was a natural born leader. The way he carried himself made even him feel small when next to him. Groaning loudly and forcing himself to not kick the door before taking a step away. Inhaling deeply and allowing himself to regain his composure. It would be fine. They could talk about this soon. Even if Jiyong did not want to talk about it. He would have to get everyone else to sit down and have this conversation with him. He could no longer bare this feeling of agony from spilling out into the open. Could not longer see their leader and friend suffer any longer in his own silence. He needed someone, something to lean onto. To be his pillar, and Seunghyun was willing to become that pillar. To become that newfound foundation to keep him upright and happy.

     For the moment, all he could do was watch and wait for the right moment. Jiyong was not ready. It was proven yet again by how he just reacted. He was not ready and whenever he would be ready, Seunghyun would be there for him with open arms. Pressing his lips together and deciding to at least take care of the laundry in the machine then get ready for the day ahead of himself. Which seemed to be a long one if this was going to happen.

\--

     The day had passed painfully slow. Not that Jiyong would know, for he spent most of the day sleeping and trying to force himself to remain asleep. He had no idea what time it was, but he was sure that it was somewhere in the mid to late afternoon. Sitting up in the bed and pulling his knees to his chest, placing his forehead against his knees. He was an asshole. After how he had turned on Seunghyun, was sure that he was going to hate him for the rest of eternity. How could he say such things? He knew that he had a bad temper and was aware of how many people had faced his wrath, but he was definitely not sure that the little stunt he pulled was going to be let off the hook. He could simply see his mother’s face of disapproval if he had bothered to tell her what he just did. She would say, ‘I raised you better than that,’ or ‘Isn’t he your friend? Why are you treating him like this?’ And truth be told, he had no idea. He had no idea why he was acting like this. He merely reacted with his head first, rather than with his heart. Maybe this was the true difference on why the other’s took a better liking to Youngbae first. He was softer, sweeter and with a heart full of gold. His complete opposite. Never would Youngbae raise his voice with any of the members. He would work with them until they understood, or stay with them in comfort. All Jiyong did was yell and throw a tantrum when things did not go his way. He recalled when they were young and bright eyed and Yang had made a competition against them all. Making Hyunseung, and Daesung his partners during the dance competition. How often he would yell at them to get what they were doing right. Nothing with Youngbae was right, everything was and still is about patience until you learned how to do it.

     Allowing his fingers to run through his hair, he gripped onto his locks and shook his head side to side. He was foolish to believe that someone might care. That someone would be able to rescue him from the nightmares that plagued him in his sleep. Nothing and no one would be able to save him. He wanted to drown at this point. If it meant that G-Dragon would be able to succeed and rise to the top, then so be it. He would allow for it to happen. Pressing his fingers down and ceasing on pulling his hair, he let go and threw his back down onto the mattress. Spreading his arms and legs like a starfish. Clenching his teeth together with a frown, maybe Seunghyun was gone now. He might be able to finish his laundry and not stay trapped in his room for the rest of the day.

 

     Sitting up and hopping up from his spot, only to hear a quiet knock on his door. Quirking his eyebrows and remaining in line. “Who is it?” Speaking loudly since he was nowhere near the door and his room was pretty big. “Hyung! Open up, you have been in there for hours.” A whiny voice came from the opposite side of the door. Seungri. There was a face that he indeed wanted to see.

     Slowly bringing himself to the door and opening it, turning around and moving back to the bed. Flopping down face first and slightly curling up in his spot. The younger male entering the room and shutting the door behind himself, glancing around the room. At least it was clean, he mentally noted. He had seen the room when it was a mess after one of the many nights that they had gone out. Heading in the direction of the bed and taking a seat beside Jiyong. Who noted how neatly dressed the younger looked. He must have come back from recording a show or a hosting gig. He swore, he looked older each second that passed. Seungri wished he could have thought the same thing. Jiyong on the other hand… he looked like a mess. His eyes had dark bags underneath them, his hair was all over the place and his eyes reflected something that he was not quite able to understand. Deciding to lay down by his hyung’s side and wrap an arm around him like he did when he was a bit younger.

     “What’s wrong?” He whispered, as if he was still a teenager and nothing bad had ever happened. As if his innocence was just as pure as it was before his own downhill of scandals and accidents. Allowing his soft brown eyes to take in every single living detail on Jiyong’s face. Remembering the gentle curve of his face, how his eyebrows were almost cutboard straight and the mole on his face. Everything about his hyung was absolutely perfect and breathtaking. He only wished that Jiyong would see that someday for himself.

     In the embrace of the younger member, he merely shrugged his shoulders. Trying to play off any sense of emotion that lingered in the back of his head. He was fine. He had to be fine. Everything was just peachy keen. Expect, he was lying to himself if he said this aloud. He knew that he did not appear to be okay. No, he looked as if death had struck him. Tangling their legs together and slightly curling more into Seungri’s arms. “I am fine, maknae. Tired, but fine.” A lie. A red lie and he was sure that if there was such a thing as being an actual pinocchio, his nose would get longer. With the other’s eyebrows narrowing together and a bleak look on his face, he knew that he was telling a straight fib. It was too obvious that he would be able to tell that he was lying. Seungri and him had grown up together practically. They lived together for a long time and they were now professional experts on being able to tell each other’s lies and truths, yet another blessing and a curse.

     “. . .You know it is not good to lie, right, hyung?” Seungri kept his eyes trained on him, watching his every movement and word with caution. Not wanting to scare him more than he already was. That was not his job right now. His job was to simply fill Taeyang’s place and ensure that their leader would be okay. To ensure that he would no longer hide away in his room and continue to be so disgusted and full of rage at the entire world. Pausing and allowing his spare hand to lightly play with Jiyong’s dark locks between his fingertips. “You know you can trust me.”

     He could trust him. Everyone knew that Jiyong trusted Seungri the same exact way that he had trusted Youngbae. He had grown a soft spot for the maknae and how well he was able to use his charisma and humor to bring the best out of people, including himself. Although, he was beyond terrified of letting his walls down and letting anyone in. Not when he was such a mess like this. He never wanted to be seen as weak, or fragile, Nor did he ever want to be seen as a leader who could not handle his mistakes and errors. To not be able to learn by them. That is how he felt right now. He could not learn from this mistake. How would he be able to learn from this mistake if all he merely did was shut down and feel like the entire world was out to get him. It was a valid feeling, but was he justified to act the way he was towards his own members? No. It certainly did not justify it. Pent up with rage, confusion and hurt were the only things that he felt right about now. It was all he had felt from when the media had found out about it. He could not even properly face his mother to tell her and look  her dead in the eye to reveal what he did. So instead, he did it over the phone. It was a way to get out of having to see the disappointment in her eyes. It was a feeling that lingered in the back of his mind. He had disappointed himself, his members, his parents, sibling, and boss.

     Feeling tears prickle the corner of his eyes, he closed them. Nodding his head weakly. “I know.” Was all he mustered up to respond with. There were so many other things that he wanted to say, but he was unable to say those things. Not yet, not here, not now. Feeling his hair being played with did calm him down. Assisted in settling his nerves down, to bring him back down from the feelings that were lingering in the back of his head. “I. . .” Pausing and closing his mouth, shifting on the mattress. “I just, I don’t know what do, maknae. I have no idea what to do. What to think, hear or react. I feel like I am lost. Like, nothing is going to save me from this.” Moving his arms to make them point in different directions of the room. A general statement.

     

     Seungri nodded his head slowly, trying his best to not allow the look of pity to form in his eyes. He did not pity him. He empathized with him. The feeling was mutual. He could understand the feeling of despair and not understand just how he was going to get out of this situation. How long the nightmare was going to last and how long will it take to be accepted as s human again. Not as an idol with expectations, but an actual human being with emotions. Who knows the right from wrongs. Who had to grow up and understand that even if things look bad one day, that everything is going to be okay somewhere down the line.  He learned the hard way about this, even if he is the youngest, it made him wake up and smell the coffee.

     Holding onto him a bit tighter, he let out a small hum. “Ji, look. . .I know what you are going through. I may not know directly what you are feeling, hearing or seeing. But, I know how everything feels like shit. Like nothing is going to fix itself, nothing will be solved or fixed. But, you have to understand that the only person who is going to make that change, to make it not be the end of the world, is going to be you. You are the only person who is going to be able to step out of the doors and be recognized either as a villain for right now, or a hero within a few years. You are a human. Even if people may see us to be some sort of superheroes or something, we are only human. We all make mistakes. Not one of us can say that we did something that we don’t regret.” Pausing to inhale and continue, placing a finger onto his chin in order to make him look up. Jiyong’s eyes fluttered open within an instant. They were now eye to eye.

 

     “I believe in you, Hyung. I want you to believe in yourself to. You are going to get through this. You’re stubborn, you’re a _dragon._ Dragons do not give up easily.” Moving his finger away from his chin, he continued to lock their gaze together.

     They stayed like for a long minute, eye to eye. Jiyong bringing a hand to his eye and wiping the tears that threatened to escape. Nodding his head hesitantly. Like a child listening to a parent. Placing his arm back down by his side. Glancing up at the ceiling and breaking their eye contact off. Swallowing and placing his hand in front of his mouth and letting out a small, ‘Okay.’

 

     It hurt to see that he was this shaken up by all of this. Yet, he truly hoped that their talk would help him. He wanted nothing more than to see their leader smile, laugh, have a good time around them. Not to be locked in his room and feel like a victim. Like the entire world was flying to their dorm and forcing the to give him up for one simple mistake. Jiyong was never a mistake, nor was G-Dragon. He was different, and everyone needed a bit of difference in their life. Patting his arm and sitting up in his seat. “Come on, let’s get dressed and go have fun tonight. No drinking involved. Does a night out in the city sound like a good plan? We can go out and have a nice dinner together, maybe see a movie or two, come on. I don’t want you in your room moping anymore.” Trying to now change the atmosphere, using his best puppy eyes to lure Jiyong in and accept his invitation.

     Letting out a shaky sigh, he nodded his head, “Fine, fine. We’ll go out. Just, no doing anything stupid. My head hurts.” Speaking quietly, before he could register it, Seungri had pinned him onto the bed, pulling him into a giant hug. There was no way that he could play the huge smile that came onto his face. Seungri always had an enormous soft spot in his heart for him. Even if he gave him hell when he was let back in the group. Without him, the group would not be complete without him. Times like this, he regretted the way he treated him before. At least he used it and grew with it. Nor did he ever throw it back in his face whenever he became a prick during rough moments. Wrapping his arms back around him and embracing him tightly. Rolling over so that he was on top. Seungri was beaming at him, and he could not help other than to be smiling right back him.

\--

     They had spent the rest of the afternoon helping Jiyong change his outfit. Which he could not decide on since he was being extra picky. Once they were out of the door, they found themselves in the center of Seoul. The bright lights, the lively street vendors and store lights. Everything here screamed their names. This was the place where Jiyong felt completely at home. Where he could be both Jiyong and G-Dragon. Seungri had dragged him everywhere. From clothing stores where they bought clothes that they did not particularly need as they had plenty, or could possibly fit in their closets. Running from clothing stores, to street food, the bar for a momentary drink or two and lastly to the movie theater. It felt like a rush of adrenaline, yet a good one that made him feel at ease again. Nothing could hurt him. Seoul was his city, his home. A place he had made a name for himself. By the time that they were back in a cab, he had lost track of what time it was. It could not be earlier than one in the morning, and no later than four in the morning. It had to be one of the hours in between. He hated to admit it, but Seungri brought out the good in him. It felt good to laugh again at his idiotic antics, stories of what happened on set, how many girls he tried to flirt with and ended up not getting, it made him giddy.

 

 **  
**Paying for their taxi, they both got out of it and climbed up the steps of the building. Entering and walking up the steps to their floor. Both of them laughing while speaking about the many ridiculous things that they had seen outside. Seungri was the one who opened the door and entered the dorm. All of the lights were off, meaning everyone was asleep. They slipped off their shoes and Seungri gave him one final hug, “Goodnight, Hyung.” Jiyong waved while they walked to their rooms. “Goodnight, maknae, sleep well.” Slipping into their rooms. **  
**

     Jiyong walking over to his desk and placing the bags of clothes down and slipping out of his jacket and hanging it behind his chair and falling into his seat. It felt too early for him to sleep. He knew he should be getting some sort of rest, but everything felt all kinds of wrong. Grabbing one of his notebooks and flipping it open to a new clean page. Grabbing one of his pens from the mug that held them, uncapping it and beginning to write. He had no idea what he was writing. The first few lines felt too crappy to use as a song. So he crossed them out. Tapping it against the paper momentarily.

     Placing it back down against the paper, he decided to write about his day. Something he had not done in ages. Maybe it would help him getting all of these mixed emotions out of his system.

 **  
**      Not bothering to give it a heading, he began to write.

 

      _For the first time in forever, I feel okay. I know that I should feel a bit less than okay, but right now, I can’t really describe how else to feel._

__

_Seungri and me went out today. I was too busy feeling pitiful of myself and did not take a chance to remember how I lived before. Seungri is wise. He’s almost too wise for his age. I am the one who is supposed to be giving him advice, Not the other way around. I think we did a good job in raising him. Even if he tells variety audience and hosts secrets about us, his mouth is big and often gets him trouble with Yang, he means well. I hope that he means well._

__

_He reminded me that I can’t let things like this get in the way of my happiness. But.. that does not mean that I am not scared. No, I am fearful of people to see me for what I really am. I am not G-Dragon. I am not my lyrics, or the tattoos on my skin. I’m almost.. coy in a way. At least, that’s what Dara says. Everyone says that I am much too modest, that being modest like this is a good thing. Yet. I quietly reject the idea of accepting it. Maybe I am a bit too sensitive. I fear the worse and I am too damn stubborn for my own good. I am bossy, ruthless at many times and often spend too much time trying to pick out clothes rather than helping myself._

  
_Rather than letting someone in my heart and letting them take these walls down._

__

_Even while I am writing this, I don’t know how I feel. I feel everything. The biggest thing of all, I feel remorse for everything that I’ve been doing lately. I have so much rage built and pent up inside of me that I have no idea what I’m doing with it. I am using it as a weapon to hurt the ones that I care about most._

__

_It’s scary. I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t know how else to help myself with this feeling. It feels like I am living in a dream and a nightmare at the same time. I don’t know which one I am going to wake up to in the morning. Everything in confusing right now. I do not want to be a burden. I do not want to disappoint my parents, my sister, my members, friends, or boss. Most of all. I do not want to disappoint my fans that made me who I am today._

__

_Ugh. One day everything will go back to normal. It is up to me to fix it._

 

_\- Jiyong._

 

     

     Putting his pen down before rolling his shoulders back letting his hands cap the pen and place it back into the mug. Closing the notebook and putting it back in its spot. Running his hands through his hair and deciding to head to bed. Not bothering to check his clock. Groggily slipping under the blanket and allowing himself to fall asleep. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Something was bound to change and he would be damned if he allowed Seungri’s words to go unnoticed.

\--

     The only reason why he had woken up so early was because he heard the television being blasted from the living room. It was far away. Why was it playing to loud? Who the hell was up at this time? He just spent an entire day filming for his latest project. The last thing he wanted to do was to be awoken due to the television. Groaning loudly and pulling the blanket over his head. The television’s channel was being changed. He heard almost all southern korean channels being switched within the speed of light. He swore, he was going to literally break someone’s neck if they did not either turn the television off or go back to sleep. It on the other hand seemed be the other option. No one was going to turn the damn thing off or go back to sleep. His eyebrows narrowed together, placing his hands down flat onto the mattress and forcing himself to sit up and on his knees. Seunghyun loathed being woken up by something as the television. He hated being woken up in general. Seungri, Taeyang and Daesung had all learned the hard way from their younger days. Roughly turning blanket off of his body and onto the floor of his room.

 

     Only needing two seconds to get off of his bed and up onto his feet. Rushing to the door, opening it roughly and heading towards the direction of the noise. The constant channel surfing was giving him a headache. It was too early for any of this. Entering the living room, he allowed his deep voice to rumble, “If all you are going to do it channel surf, maybe you should use the damn television guide.” His tone was slightly harsh, but he immediately regret it when he spotted a skinny figure laying on the couch. Appearing to be as comfortable as ever. Dark brown eyes staring directly at him.

 

     “Maybe you should go back to sleep, sleeping beauty.” Jiyong answered full of wit, focusing back on the screen in front of him.

 

     Why in the world was he awake? He had nothing scheduled for today. At least, he did not see his name on the planner that was on the fridge. He made sure to scan it over a good three times before actually remembering. Seeing Jiyong awake so early and on the couch while the other members were asleep was rare. He was the last one to get up and the last one to go to bed. It felt foreign to see him like this. Sprawled on the couch and acting as if he was fine and dandy. It scared him.

 

     Parting his lips and closing them quickly, he let out a small laugh. Nodding his head. Of course he would say something like that. Quickly, he played along. “I would, but you have the television too loud. I’m surprised you haven’t woken Daesung up yet.”

     A small smile appeared on Jiyong’s face. “He did. He’s awake already. He’s trying to avoid me so I don’t make him watch the news or anything with me. Nor make him cook breakfast with me.” Adjusting his body. An elbow propped up and his hand keeping his head up from falling or lying straight on the couch.

     “Oh. It’s probably because he knows that you can’t cook.” A smart response, but, before he was aware, Jiyong was laughing. Actually _laughing._ Something that he had not heard in weeks.

“Oh? And you can cook? Okay, this must be the day that pigs will fly.” Moving to sit up in his spot and lightly pat the space next to him. Insisting that Seunghyun should sit next to him, rather than stand up. It was making him nervous.

****

     Carefully, Seunghyun made his way over to Jiyong. Settling down besides him. Deciding to start the conversation first.

****

      “So… um.. why are you awake so early?” What a lame question to ask. He remotely wanted to bash his head in with a pillow for such a lame question. Jiyong was probably going to laugh at him, or worse, not answer.

****

      “I.. um. Couldn’t sleep.” He responded smoothly, keeping his eyes focused on the television screen. Deciding to settle on a channel. The news. At least they were talking about sports, or something. He had no idea. Right now, the only thing that he was paying attention to was the beating in his chest. He really needed to calm down and relax. Seunghyun was not here to scold him for yesterday. They were simply talking to each other.

****

     “That’s rare. You usually sleep like a rock.” His voice was gentle, keeping his eyes down at his hands. Messing with his nails and trying to avoid the look on Jiyong’s face. If he had a disgusted one, or a kind one. It was hard to tell with him paying so much attention on his hands.

****

      “Rare, eh? It is also rare of you come out of your room earlier than seven in the morning.” Jiyong began, “I mean, you usually sleep earlier than I do. Yet, here you are, getting a bit harsh all because how loud the television is. I don’t know about you, Seunghyun, but you seem to want being awake right now. I wonder what and who is on your mind.”

****

     You’re on my mind, Seunghyun wanted to scream. Yet, he kept his composure. There was no way he was going to say that. Not now that is.

****

     “I guess. Look, Ji, about yesterday--” Yet, he was cut off by Jiyong’s voice.

****

     “I’m sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t mean any of those things.. I guess that I was a bit caught up in the moment. I should have never said those things. I know I can be, insensitive and ruthless, but, please. Just understand that I’m not ready. I’m not ready to talk about any of this. Not yet anyway…” Rubbing his arm quickly, Seunghyun understood precisely.

****

     Jiyong feared being cracked opened and forced to feel like this entire thing was easy. As if this entire thing is going to blow over with no sense of closure, or moral lesson. He feared that he would be rejected, seen to be flawed, or anything other than G-Dragon who seemed to be his ultimate alter ego. Jiyong feared himself. It was enough to make him hate himself for not realizing this sooner. He was an idiot. He was a fool to believe that this was not the thing that happened to be killing him the most. How could he not see it? It was laid out on the table like cards. He was careless and clueless. How was he going to save him, if he can’t even figure out how to save him from himself?

****

     “It… it’s alright.” Motioning for Jiyong to cease his spew of apologies that were ready to spill out of his mouth. “Shush. Let me take for once.”   
  


 

     Jiyong gave him the floor to speak, crossing his arms over his chest and looking at him warily.

 

     “I know that you are going through a rough patch, trust me. I know. We _all_ know. We all want to help you, Ji. That’s why we are here. That’s why we are teammates, your family outside of your family. Whenever you fall, we will always be there to pick you back up. You do not have to pretend like things are okay. You need to know that sometimes, it is okay for things to not be okay. That it is normal for things to not be in place. We’re here. I’m here, Taeyang is here. Daesung is here, Seungri, Dara, Chaerin, your parents, your sister, our boss. We are all here to help you rise like the dragon you _are_. No one is going to stop us from doing that, do you understand, Ji? We’re all rooting for you. We _will_ all help you out of this dark corner and back into the sun.” Placing his hands onto Jiyong’s shoulders, moving to lightly tip his head down so that they were eye to eye with each other.

 

     Jiyong merely stared at him, his eyes were wide and his words pulled at every single one of his heart strings. It hurt to hear. It was not a bad kind of hurt either. It was a good kind of hurt. A hurt that he felt to be indescribable to explain fully. “I… Okay…” Was all he slurred out, watching Seunghyun with every single muscle in his body. Trying to figure out if this was a dream or a nightmare. That maybe something bad would happen, that would prove to be a nightmare. If this continued, it would prove to be a dream. He was not sure which one of the options that he preferred the most.

     “I mean it, Ji… you deserve the world. But, you can’t be scared anymore. You have to let us in. We want to help. The only way that we can help you, is if you let us help you.” His words were kind, it surprised even himself. He had never spoke so calmly to anyone in his life. Besides his family of course. This was a new pint in his life. He wanted Jiyong to let him in. To let him take care of him. To allow him to return the favor that he gave every single one of them with how much he puts up for every single one of them. He was always there and now it was all of their turns to be there for him. There was no way he was going to allow this moment to slip out of his fingertips either. This is what he wanted. Jiyong was now his top priority. Nothing else in the world mattered.

     Pressing his lips together, he hesitated. He could not help other than to feel mortified. Was he ready for this? Was he truly ready to let go and have everyone see him for what he truly is? Would they be ready? Would they accept him for every thought, action and word he would say or do? A part of him hoped that they wouldn’t. A part of him wished they would. He was so conflicted with his own emotions that it was unbearable. Without much realization to what he was saying, he finally spoke after a long moment of silence.

     “...Okay. I.. I will. I don’t know if it is going to be easy, or if it will be a beautiful thing to see. But, I’ll try. For you. For everyone. No guarantees that it will work.” Shrugging his shoulders letting and releasing a shaky breath. When in the world did he get so nervous? Why were his hands shaking? This was stupid. Emotions were stupid. He wished that Seunghyun was looking in the opposite direction rather than looking at him with this big eyes of his. It made him feel as though he was being broken down like a formula.

     Without a moment of hesitation, he felt a pair of hands gently being placed onto either side of his cheeks. He felt his breath shortening for a moment or so, only to find Seunghyun leaning in. Their faces merely inches away from each other.

     “You.. you are a beautiful thing, Jiyong. I wish you could see it.” Unable to respond back to return as he felt a pair of lips meeting his own. There was no way this was happening. This could not be happening. No. This was happening.

     Seunghyun was kissing him and in that moment, Jiyong felt the most complete than he had felt in weeks.

\--

  
****

 

 


End file.
